Gridlock

As Gobby, horrified in the first instance to have been compelled to work on a Friday, a day kept sacrosanct for an afternoon down the Local, endured yet more torment in stationery M1 traffic she texted Spudgirl of her plight.

Her torment served only to be compounded on finding Spudgirl and Tubthumper equally blighted on the Friday afternoon rush hour car park of the M25. In a desperate attempt to reconcile their lot and to come to terms with the folly of their actions leading to this fate they all swore a pact that they should,

"Never leave the Shire."

Reputation

After a packed conference-filled day Gobby was delighted when one of her esteemed colleagues sought to reward her efforts asking if she had,

"Time for a drink."

She was, unfortunately, less enamoured by a further colleague's retort of,

"Does Judith Chalmers have a passport?"

Lack of Social Conscience

Gobby felt her saintly and unfailingly charitable nature had been somewhat put to the test by her recent volunteering venture at Kids Club.

When questioned on her levels of enjoyment, personal satisfaction and self worth she did feel honesty bound to admit:

"It went really well until someone had a shit in the pool."

And was wholly prepared for Tattoo's accusation;

"Did they bollock you?"

Somewhat disgruntled by this slight on her infinitely dedicated and slightly irritating self-righteousness Gobby made a point of informing Tattoo after the next session:

"No shit in the pool this week; just the one head injury."

Needless to say she was appalled by Tattoo's obstinacy and continued lack of compassion on his reply of,

"Did you smack the kid because he wouldn't have a shit?"

Unappreciated Flying Objects

It would seem that not only did Ol' Blue Eyes remain as reluctant as ever to share in the Regulars' new found passion of horticulture but, moreover, he had been wholly unappreciative of Spudgirl and Tubthumper's effort to corroborate his sightings the previous week.

Indeed, when Tattoo proudly described his first lovingly home-grown carrot from the zone Ol' Blue Eyes cantankerously retorted

"And what did you do with it?"

"Chuck it up in the air, take a photo and pass it off as a UFO?!?!?"

Surging Ahead

It would seem that Imelda's pumpkin had, from a late start, taken a quite unbelievable lead in the battle of the giants.

Unless, as the Regulars suspected from the already rife cheating occurring in the proceedings, the photo was taken using Action Man's hand.

Late Arrivals

Although not entirely sure what gave it away, Gobby had to confess that she felt there was something very suspicious about Spudgirls & Tubthumpers new seedlings that had suddenly and very surprisingly emerged from the original packet of 10 pumpkin seeds planted 2 months ago.

















Some may go so far as to suggest that some form of cheating may be involved.

Billy's FINAL Wake-up Call

As the Regulars, not to mention Billy Idle himself came to terms with the fruits of his labours Hamish, somewhat late in the day, having, frugally as ever, conserved mobile phone battery power so as to not resort to the expense of his charger until being able to warm his phone battery in the midday sun enquired after his welfare.

Billy, having by this point made it back from death's door as far as the bed, declared,

"Tell him I'm dead."

Wary of such a dour Scotsman's interpretation of irony Gobby felt it wiser to report the following,

"Rumours of his death have been greatly exaggerated".

To which Hamish did accurately counter,

"Not easy to tell with Billy sometimes."


There was equal consternation at the hospital when Billy's ECG results resembled nothing seen before and a crash team dispatched until the cause of such disquieting readings was discovered.






















As Billy's discharge date loomed, and he and Gobby were given a lengthy sermon on their future lifestyle if indeed they wished this future to see the year out, they were enraptured on hearing the nurse declare,

"No one has ever had a heart attack from drinking beer."

Although Gobby's delight was short-lived on receiving the further piece of information,

"And when he can climb 2 flights of stairs you can have sex again."

Since, as far as she could recall, he had never been able to manage that.