On a busy night down the Local, as Mel Smith squeezed past Billy Idle with no minor degree of difficulty on either part on his way to the bar, their ensuing shimmy brought a whole new Barton Lives meaning to Sparks',
"This Town Aint Big Enough for the Both of Us".
Friday, 20 March 2009
"A smile confuses an approaching frown"
On a particularly jovial evening down the Local, the normally dour and sour Spudgirl announced that her 'face was hurting from smiling'.
Her ever encouraging husband, Tubthumper soon put paid to this rare expression of jollity, however, with a stern warning declaring:
"Are you sure you are not enjoying yourself too much?"
Her ever encouraging husband, Tubthumper soon put paid to this rare expression of jollity, however, with a stern warning declaring:
"Are you sure you are not enjoying yourself too much?"
On a Roll
Determined to encourage Billy Idle to defy the blanket of scepticism down the Local and complete a DIY task before Ol' Blue Eyes began to analyse his form and run a book,
(See Barton Lives November 2008: Give up Eventually and Get Someone Else to Do It.)
Tattoo reminded Gobby she would need to be on hand with bacon butties to keep up Billy's strength, willingness and motivation.
To which Billy replied that,
"One roll per roll should suffice!"
(See Barton Lives November 2008: Give up Eventually and Get Someone Else to Do It.)
Tattoo reminded Gobby she would need to be on hand with bacon butties to keep up Billy's strength, willingness and motivation.
To which Billy replied that,
"One roll per roll should suffice!"
Friday, 6 March 2009
Insider Dealing
As the synchronised plant-off drew ever closer Spudgirl threw down the gauntlet to the rest of the Regulars:
I have been consulting one of the potato drivers here who grows his own: marrows and butter nut squash and PUMPKINS!!! He has given me some excellent tips so I am getting all motivated!
To which shock tactics Tattoo was quick to counter:
My next book to be published:
'How to Grow GIANT PUMPKINS 2009'
I will personally sign one for Ol' Blue Eyes
Regards,
Tattoo Mpg. Bph
I have been consulting one of the potato drivers here who grows his own: marrows and butter nut squash and PUMPKINS!!! He has given me some excellent tips so I am getting all motivated!
To which shock tactics Tattoo was quick to counter:
My next book to be published:
'How to Grow GIANT PUMPKINS 2009'
I will personally sign one for Ol' Blue Eyes
Regards,
Tattoo Mpg. Bph
Paper Thin
As Billy Idle rolled over in bed then exclaimed with horror,
"What the f**k's happened to the wall?!"
Gobby realised that his recent pledge to undertake the wallpapering may not yet have been given the priority for which she was hoping.
"What the f**k's happened to the wall?!"
Gobby realised that his recent pledge to undertake the wallpapering may not yet have been given the priority for which she was hoping.
Monday, 2 March 2009
Sparky
The Regulars looked on perplexed as Ol' Blue Eyes wandered round the Local with a cigarette in his mouth on the verge of sparking up, smoking ban notwithstanding.
To which he elucidated this was part of his therapy:
As long as he had one in his mouth and one in his hand he can handle it.
To which he elucidated this was part of his therapy:
As long as he had one in his mouth and one in his hand he can handle it.
Pie Eyed
Billy was unable to hide how much he was looking forward to the week ahead.
Not, as the Regulars assumed, because he had successfully completed month end but, by the fact of it being:
National Pie Week!
Not, as the Regulars assumed, because he had successfully completed month end but, by the fact of it being:
National Pie Week!
Shirty
As Gobby complimented Mel smith on the sartorial elegance of his shirt she was somewhat underprepared for his response that he,
"Was hoping she might like to see it draped over her bed later"
Notwithstanding, from the expression that must have immediately clouded her face he judged that the correct answer was, in fact,
"Maybe not then."
"Was hoping she might like to see it draped over her bed later"
Notwithstanding, from the expression that must have immediately clouded her face he judged that the correct answer was, in fact,
"Maybe not then."
A Timely Reminder
Billy Idle, true to his name as ever and in order to encourage Gobby's compliance in urging her to go to the bar instead of him so that he would not need to move a muscle (presuming there are any actually hiding in there) added,
"You get time of for good behaviour".
To which Ol' Blue Eyes snorted that would reduce her to a mere 50 years.
"You get time of for good behaviour".
To which Ol' Blue Eyes snorted that would reduce her to a mere 50 years.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Desperate Measures
After a particularly trying week Spudgirl took emergency measures to make the potato store more bearable.
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Shall we Dance?
As Tattoo lamented that, in shaving the few remaining hairs from his once luxuriant head he had inadvertently nicked himself, Ol' Blue Eyes remarked that he had nevertheless done a fine job and it would no doubt have healed up in time for his starring role.
Dark Day
The Regulars noticed the Dark Lord appeared even darker than usual as he was seen lurking in the shadows of Barton on Valentine's Day. The reason for this soon became clear:
"My choice of Valentine present for The Dark Lady has caused a major disappointment here at Gothic Towers.
"My choice of Valentine present for The Dark Lady has caused a major disappointment here at Gothic Towers.
After considerable time (and some help from the shop assistant) I chose a bag and belt set for The Dark Lady's romantic gift.
Apparently this was not a suitable choice and she has returned it to the shop for a refund.
It appears that I have made an error in judgement:
The bag and belt set which I chose was for a Hoover, but we have a Dyson."
The Dark Lord
(The only Goth in the village)
(The only Goth in the village)
A Growing Passion
Although difficult to imagine, Gobby believed she had come up with an idea to inject even more excitement into the lives of the Regulars.
She was delighted to find that this loyal trusty band never let anyone down and almost overwhelmed by the intensity of excitement and anticipation with which the 'Giant Pumpkin Growing Competition' was received.
She was albeit slightly perturbed by Ol' Blue eyes' response when asked if he was 'in' of,
"Not on the horses but I've had 4 numbers on the lottery."
In an attempt to reach into Ol' Blue eyes' world Gobby pointed out the competitive nature of such a competition and the possibility of running a book, plus as a retired member of the Regulars, he would surely have the advantage of far more pumpkin tending time but he would not be swayed declaring,
"I can't imagine anything more boring."
To which the Regulars did feel the need to point out he woudn't necessarily be expected to watch the pumpkin for the whole of the growing season and could, on occasions, leave it unattended.
She was delighted to find that this loyal trusty band never let anyone down and almost overwhelmed by the intensity of excitement and anticipation with which the 'Giant Pumpkin Growing Competition' was received.
She was albeit slightly perturbed by Ol' Blue eyes' response when asked if he was 'in' of,
"Not on the horses but I've had 4 numbers on the lottery."
In an attempt to reach into Ol' Blue eyes' world Gobby pointed out the competitive nature of such a competition and the possibility of running a book, plus as a retired member of the Regulars, he would surely have the advantage of far more pumpkin tending time but he would not be swayed declaring,
"I can't imagine anything more boring."
To which the Regulars did feel the need to point out he woudn't necessarily be expected to watch the pumpkin for the whole of the growing season and could, on occasions, leave it unattended.
Thought Process
When, down the Local, Billy Idle enquired as to whether Gobby fancied a ticket for the rugby she commented that Spudgirl and Tubthumper might also enjoy the experience.
Billy replied that he,
"Hadn't thought about anyone else".
To which Gobby countered,
"Why change the habit of a lifetime?"
Billy replied that he,
"Hadn't thought about anyone else".
To which Gobby countered,
"Why change the habit of a lifetime?"
Monday, 9 February 2009
Time for Thought
As the Regulars considered with some foreboding Friday 13th looming on the horizon, Jordan took great delight in pointing out that, on said date, Tattoo would be at the dentist at half past two.
To which Billy Idle could not resist the retort,
To which Billy Idle could not resist the retort,
"You mean - two thirty!"
A New Vision
Ol' Blue Eyes had been noticeably absent from the Local but, just as the Regulars were on the cusp of concern, it transpired that said absence was due to his puchase of a new television. Moreover he had been unable to leave the house since discovering that he could now effortlessly watch Poirot all day and Morse all night having after the revelation of its having Freeview inside or, in as he put it:
"FREEVIEW INSIDE!
INSIDE THE TELLY!
INSIDE!!!!!"
As the Regulars pondered such uncharacteristic expenditure wondering if, by some divine providence, all of Ol' blue Eyes' choice of horses had, for once romped home he elaborated that,
when watching the snooker and the red balls suddenly turned green then the table turned sideways, he realised he only had one option.
Whilst the Regulars complimented him on what must have been the longest-serving valve-endowed TV in the Shire Ol' Blue Eyes declared he was now just relieved to have one he could lift.
"FREEVIEW INSIDE!
INSIDE THE TELLY!
INSIDE!!!!!"
As the Regulars pondered such uncharacteristic expenditure wondering if, by some divine providence, all of Ol' blue Eyes' choice of horses had, for once romped home he elaborated that,
when watching the snooker and the red balls suddenly turned green then the table turned sideways, he realised he only had one option.
Whilst the Regulars complimented him on what must have been the longest-serving valve-endowed TV in the Shire Ol' Blue Eyes declared he was now just relieved to have one he could lift.
Call it a Day
After a particularly vigorous karaoke rendition of yet another 'novelty song' by Gobby to delight their guests, Ol' Blues Eyes, once recovered, commented that those vitamin pills certainly must be good.
Tattoo, equally stunned, pointed out they were only one-a-day.
To which Jordan replied that was 'one too many'.
Tattoo, equally stunned, pointed out they were only one-a-day.
To which Jordan replied that was 'one too many'.
Saturday, 31 January 2009
Sock it to you.
As the Regulars noted Hamish's absence from the Local they pondered his claims to yet again be paying a weekend visit to 'Butlins'.
It was not long before Jordan discovered the whole sordid truth: that Hamish had failed to heed the advice (see Family Fun) and had taking his dream of puppeteering a stage further, literally:
It was not long before Jordan discovered the whole sordid truth: that Hamish had failed to heed the advice (see Family Fun) and had taking his dream of puppeteering a stage further, literally:
Blithe Spirit
As Spudgirl commented on the fact that her colleague, the Potato Queen was a 'happier jollier person than her' the lack of surprise and response amongst the Regulars on hearing this was palpable.
After some moments Gobby made a desperate attempt to break the ensuing awkward silence, soon wishing she had not done so following the equally stupefied reactions to her comment of,
"Yes, but there are people in hospices who are happier and jollier than you."
After some moments Gobby made a desperate attempt to break the ensuing awkward silence, soon wishing she had not done so following the equally stupefied reactions to her comment of,
"Yes, but there are people in hospices who are happier and jollier than you."
Worthy of Note
Gobby was delighted that Ol' blue eyes had fulfilled his promise and brought her a stock of handy pocket-sized pens from one of his regular stamping grounds for note-taking down the Local.
Ol' Blue Eyes was somewhat less delighted informing her,
"I hope you realise I lost £3.50 just to get you those!"
Ol' Blue Eyes was somewhat less delighted informing her,
"I hope you realise I lost £3.50 just to get you those!"
Hamish's Bad Spell
In a bid to improve his lamentable social skills Hamish took the brave step of sending a humourous email to his boss.
After two days with no acknowledgement of his efforts and disheartened by his attempts to be generally less dour Hamish enquired as to whether his boss had not enjoyed his attempts at light-hearted banter.
Said boss replied that he would surely have appreciated such joviality had anything actually arrived.
Already well-documented as not the most skilled user of advanced technology, Hamish, all set to heap the blame on his computer and assisted by his boss, set out to discover the cause of the problem.
It was only when his boss discovered two undeliverable emails that the matter was rectified and, to his chagrin, Hamish realised he had misspelled his boss's name.
Were this not shame enough to bear, his boss, ever forgiving and understanding was quick to give Hamish some easy to follow advice.
Indeed, he simply pointed out that, in the future, Hamish could copy the spelling from the words clearly printed ON THE SIDE OF HIS VAN AND THE FRONT OF HIS OVERALLS.
With a heavy heart, and a somewhat ruddier complexion than normal, Hamish concluded that social skills were overrated and vowed to return to his sullen ways.
After two days with no acknowledgement of his efforts and disheartened by his attempts to be generally less dour Hamish enquired as to whether his boss had not enjoyed his attempts at light-hearted banter.
Said boss replied that he would surely have appreciated such joviality had anything actually arrived.
Already well-documented as not the most skilled user of advanced technology, Hamish, all set to heap the blame on his computer and assisted by his boss, set out to discover the cause of the problem.
It was only when his boss discovered two undeliverable emails that the matter was rectified and, to his chagrin, Hamish realised he had misspelled his boss's name.
Were this not shame enough to bear, his boss, ever forgiving and understanding was quick to give Hamish some easy to follow advice.
Indeed, he simply pointed out that, in the future, Hamish could copy the spelling from the words clearly printed ON THE SIDE OF HIS VAN AND THE FRONT OF HIS OVERALLS.
With a heavy heart, and a somewhat ruddier complexion than normal, Hamish concluded that social skills were overrated and vowed to return to his sullen ways.
Exploration
As the winter wind whipped through the streets of Barton and Ol' Blue Eyes reluctantly braved the back door of the Local for a smoke he declared,
"Even Scott wouldn't venture out there."
To which the Regulars hastily slammed the door and pinched Ol' Blue eyes' comfy seat declaring he "may be some time".
"Even Scott wouldn't venture out there."
To which the Regulars hastily slammed the door and pinched Ol' Blue eyes' comfy seat declaring he "may be some time".
Slim Pickings
With Jordan away for a few days Tattoo was forced to fend for himself as best he could.
Having found a tasty morsel in the depths of the freezer he hungrily tucked into a ready- meal for one.
Only afterwards did he realise he had inadvertently consumed one of Jordan's closely guarded Weightwatcher Special Meals and would now face the ensuing wrath on her return.
Aghast down the Local as he admitted his crime, Ol' Blue Eyes imparted some words of comfort for Tattoo informing him that he was now so slim she would never even see him.
Having found a tasty morsel in the depths of the freezer he hungrily tucked into a ready- meal for one.
Only afterwards did he realise he had inadvertently consumed one of Jordan's closely guarded Weightwatcher Special Meals and would now face the ensuing wrath on her return.
Aghast down the Local as he admitted his crime, Ol' Blue Eyes imparted some words of comfort for Tattoo informing him that he was now so slim she would never even see him.
Mufflers
As the Regulars got ready to leave the Local and wend their weary wobbly ways home they contemplated a nice long hungover lie-in the following morning.
This illusion was soon shattered by Spudgirl, however, who announced that she and Tubthumper would be up with the lark as usual for a particularly energetic bout of bell-ringing.
Initially the Regulars' faces fell in a forlorn manner as they realised their earthly peace was to be untimely shattered then they ducked for cover on hearing Billy idle ask Spudgirl if she would mind:
"Putting a towel on her knockers in the morning!"
This illusion was soon shattered by Spudgirl, however, who announced that she and Tubthumper would be up with the lark as usual for a particularly energetic bout of bell-ringing.
Initially the Regulars' faces fell in a forlorn manner as they realised their earthly peace was to be untimely shattered then they ducked for cover on hearing Billy idle ask Spudgirl if she would mind:
"Putting a towel on her knockers in the morning!"
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Laundering
Always being one to display a high level of sartorial elegance (if you can ignore the sporran) the Regulars were concerned by Hamish's some what dishevelled appearance of late.
All became clear once he stated he had,
"Put his washing in the machine, pulled the chain and not seen it since."
To which Gobby hatched a cunning plan offering to pay Hamish handsomely if he would launder Billy's next load of quality football shirts.
All became clear once he stated he had,
"Put his washing in the machine, pulled the chain and not seen it since."
To which Gobby hatched a cunning plan offering to pay Hamish handsomely if he would launder Billy's next load of quality football shirts.
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Jump(er)ing into 2009
As Tattoo proudly showed off his new Christmas jumper, the Regulars struggled to harbour their disappointment that is was acutely lacking in reindeer and, despite their best efforts to the contrary, could only be described as tasteful.
Just as they felt the potential for ridicule slipping from their grasp however, Robbin' Get saved the Christmas jumper day by turning up in fancy dress as none other than Bertie Bassett.
However, when the Frogs with Red Scarves appeared, the Regulars' sniggers were cut short (well, Tattoo already was but that's another story) and the atmosphere took on a more sinister air with the Regulars wondering if the Dark Lord had been at work as they felt they were incontestably faced with the Master and his Apprentice:
Putting this aside and feeling understandably attractive so attired, as the bell tolled in the Shire for the prospect of yet another year of designer lifestyles, celebrity gossip, intrigue, scandal and potatoes Robbin' get looked around him announcing glumly,
"Not much chance of a snog in 'ere."
Adding,
"I might pop across road to't George. They'd be grateful of one in there."
And, as Tattoo was only too quick to add,
"And that's just the fellas."
Reconsidering his options in the light of this, Robbin' Get took to the floor to show off his 'snake hips' smooth moves to bring in the New Year.
Predictably Tweetie too felt he had to be up there cavorting but, as Billy Idle pointed out, he was merely dancing to 'the tunes in his head'.
Just as they felt the potential for ridicule slipping from their grasp however, Robbin' Get saved the Christmas jumper day by turning up in fancy dress as none other than Bertie Bassett.
However, when the Frogs with Red Scarves appeared, the Regulars' sniggers were cut short (well, Tattoo already was but that's another story) and the atmosphere took on a more sinister air with the Regulars wondering if the Dark Lord had been at work as they felt they were incontestably faced with the Master and his Apprentice:
Putting this aside and feeling understandably attractive so attired, as the bell tolled in the Shire for the prospect of yet another year of designer lifestyles, celebrity gossip, intrigue, scandal and potatoes Robbin' get looked around him announcing glumly,
"Not much chance of a snog in 'ere."
Adding,
"I might pop across road to't George. They'd be grateful of one in there."
And, as Tattoo was only too quick to add,
"And that's just the fellas."
Reconsidering his options in the light of this, Robbin' Get took to the floor to show off his 'snake hips' smooth moves to bring in the New Year.
Predictably Tweetie too felt he had to be up there cavorting but, as Billy Idle pointed out, he was merely dancing to 'the tunes in his head'.
Episode 1
It would seem that the plight of the Regulars and the demise of the Local had reached far far beyond the bounds of the Potato Shire:
Sit back and enjoy a veritable masterpiece courtesy of,
The Dark Lord
(The Only Goth in the Village)
(The Only Goth in the Village)
Sticky Situation 2009
One night down the Local it seemed that Billy Idle could keep his perversions and undesirable tendencies a secret no longer making a somewhat emotional confession that he secretly adored the unseemly practice of:
LICKING ENVELOPES.
Tubthumper came to his aid during the ensuing stunned discomfort amongst the Regulars with yet another of the fascinating 'Tales from the Rubber Plant' announcing that this were nowhere near as deviant as appearances first suggested as, one of the major components of his own particular envelope glue brew was, in fact, potato starch.
At the mention of her favourite tuber Spudgirl became highly animated and immediately fascinated by her husband's contribution.
Moreover, as the Regulars were keen to point out,
"They had to be something somewhere that they had in common".
*For previous 'Sticky Situations' see:
April 2008 Yet another Sticky Situation
and
October 2007 A Sticky situation
LICKING ENVELOPES.
Tubthumper came to his aid during the ensuing stunned discomfort amongst the Regulars with yet another of the fascinating 'Tales from the Rubber Plant' announcing that this were nowhere near as deviant as appearances first suggested as, one of the major components of his own particular envelope glue brew was, in fact, potato starch.
At the mention of her favourite tuber Spudgirl became highly animated and immediately fascinated by her husband's contribution.
Moreover, as the Regulars were keen to point out,
"They had to be something somewhere that they had in common".
*For previous 'Sticky Situations' see:
April 2008 Yet another Sticky Situation
and
October 2007 A Sticky situation
Hamish Teaches the World to Sing
After many top-billed singers at the much-anticipated Christmas Karaoke fest were struck down in their prime, Hamish gallantly stepped into the breach with a hitherto unequalled repertoire.
On marvelling at this the Regulars realised that their long-held suspicions may indeed bear true and Hamish was, in fact, the 6th Nolan; only prevented from performing on stage with the others due to the proliferation of his facial hair.
This unprecedented discovery inspired the regulars to research this further where, to their delight they found further confirmation of this with Hamish appearing under his stage name of 'Max':
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/The_Nolan_Sisters
On marvelling at this the Regulars realised that their long-held suspicions may indeed bear true and Hamish was, in fact, the 6th Nolan; only prevented from performing on stage with the others due to the proliferation of his facial hair.
This unprecedented discovery inspired the regulars to research this further where, to their delight they found further confirmation of this with Hamish appearing under his stage name of 'Max':
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/The_Nolan_Sisters
Friday, 2 January 2009
A Crotch to Bare
Whilst some of the Regulars chose to compliment Gobby on her Choice of New Year outfit, others commented from experience that her past forays with short skirts and decorum had not always been entirely successful (and failed to make the cut for Rick Francis & Pocahontas' wedding album by a long way.)
Eager to prove them wrong Gobby wasted no time in proudly displaying her reinforced gusset to all and sundry. Billy Idle looked aghast, Ol' Blue Eyes looked away, Tattoo looked out of the window then implored Gobby to cover up the offensive display as a driver had nearly crashed his vehicle at the sight and, as Billy was keen to point out, that was in Hull.
Eager to prove them wrong Gobby wasted no time in proudly displaying her reinforced gusset to all and sundry. Billy Idle looked aghast, Ol' Blue Eyes looked away, Tattoo looked out of the window then implored Gobby to cover up the offensive display as a driver had nearly crashed his vehicle at the sight and, as Billy was keen to point out, that was in Hull.
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