Meals on Wheels

After a month of unfailing dedication and care tending to Billy Idle's every need forsaking any of her own, Gobby's hangover subsequent to the impromptu session, was so all-consuming she felt an overbearing urge to,

"Block out the whole heart attack incident and aftercare and attempt to force Billy to take up driving again for the first time to fetch them a heart attack in a tray breakfast from Mr Gee's."

Fortunately Spudgirl and Tubthumper intervened in the proceedings potentially saving both Billy and Gobby's lives by making the aforementioned journey themselves and delivering them 'Meals on Wheels'.

Kill or Cure

As a therapeutic teatime drink interspersed with his walking regime mysteriously turned into an all-night session, the Regulars were wholeheartedly delighted to see that Billy Idle had no problems surviving a night down the pub once more.

Significantly less compassion was extended to the fact that said session practically killed Gobby.

Water Water Everywhere...

Always attentive to duty and not to mention the degree of guilt Gobby felt about having unreservedly forced the Regulars into full-blown horticulture consuming their every last minute and penny it was the very least she could do to water the Zone as instructed during Jordan and Tattoo's visit to Dr Emma.

The responsibility preyed on her mind lest she should forget during the heat wave, the thought of Tattoo returning to a withered plot being too awful to contemplate not to mention the additional responsibility of also having to water their vacationing neighbour's garden. So much so that she could hardly concentrate at work and raced home as fast as her already heavily endorsed license would allow to fulfil her duty.

Much hard hosing later and soaked to the skin Gobby proudly viewed her hard work and sent a text to Tattoo as she departed:

"Have watered garden. Hope you are having a good time."

She was somewhat surprised but delighted to receive an almost immediate reply. Until she actually read it that was:

"Having a fantastic time in Barton. Do not go until next week. Thanks so much, was just about to start. What a star!"

As Gobby struggled to comprehend the reality of this message Tattoo added,

"Jordan was in the front room watching telly the whole time. Not much good for security."

Gobby's one saving grace was that at least the neighbours truly were away so her only crime was stupidity and not actual trespass or vandalism.

Gridlock

As Gobby, horrified in the first instance to have been compelled to work on a Friday, a day kept sacrosanct for an afternoon down the Local, endured yet more torment in stationery M1 traffic she texted Spudgirl of her plight.

Her torment served only to be compounded on finding Spudgirl and Tubthumper equally blighted on the Friday afternoon rush hour car park of the M25. In a desperate attempt to reconcile their lot and to come to terms with the folly of their actions leading to this fate they all swore a pact that they should,

"Never leave the Shire."

Reputation

After a packed conference-filled day Gobby was delighted when one of her esteemed colleagues sought to reward her efforts asking if she had,

"Time for a drink."

She was, unfortunately, less enamoured by a further colleague's retort of,

"Does Judith Chalmers have a passport?"

Lack of Social Conscience

Gobby felt her saintly and unfailingly charitable nature had been somewhat put to the test by her recent volunteering venture at Kids Club.

When questioned on her levels of enjoyment, personal satisfaction and self worth she did feel honesty bound to admit:

"It went really well until someone had a shit in the pool."

And was wholly prepared for Tattoo's accusation;

"Did they bollock you?"

Somewhat disgruntled by this slight on her infinitely dedicated and slightly irritating self-righteousness Gobby made a point of informing Tattoo after the next session:

"No shit in the pool this week; just the one head injury."

Needless to say she was appalled by Tattoo's obstinacy and continued lack of compassion on his reply of,

"Did you smack the kid because he wouldn't have a shit?"

Unappreciated Flying Objects

It would seem that not only did Ol' Blue Eyes remain as reluctant as ever to share in the Regulars' new found passion of horticulture but, moreover, he had been wholly unappreciative of Spudgirl and Tubthumper's effort to corroborate his sightings the previous week.

Indeed, when Tattoo proudly described his first lovingly home-grown carrot from the zone Ol' Blue Eyes cantankerously retorted

"And what did you do with it?"

"Chuck it up in the air, take a photo and pass it off as a UFO?!?!?"

Surging Ahead

It would seem that Imelda's pumpkin had, from a late start, taken a quite unbelievable lead in the battle of the giants.

Unless, as the Regulars suspected from the already rife cheating occurring in the proceedings, the photo was taken using Action Man's hand.

Late Arrivals

Although not entirely sure what gave it away, Gobby had to confess that she felt there was something very suspicious about Spudgirls & Tubthumpers new seedlings that had suddenly and very surprisingly emerged from the original packet of 10 pumpkin seeds planted 2 months ago.

















Some may go so far as to suggest that some form of cheating may be involved.

Billy's FINAL Wake-up Call

As the Regulars, not to mention Billy Idle himself came to terms with the fruits of his labours Hamish, somewhat late in the day, having, frugally as ever, conserved mobile phone battery power so as to not resort to the expense of his charger until being able to warm his phone battery in the midday sun enquired after his welfare.

Billy, having by this point made it back from death's door as far as the bed, declared,

"Tell him I'm dead."

Wary of such a dour Scotsman's interpretation of irony Gobby felt it wiser to report the following,

"Rumours of his death have been greatly exaggerated".

To which Hamish did accurately counter,

"Not easy to tell with Billy sometimes."


There was equal consternation at the hospital when Billy's ECG results resembled nothing seen before and a crash team dispatched until the cause of such disquieting readings was discovered.






















As Billy's discharge date loomed, and he and Gobby were given a lengthy sermon on their future lifestyle if indeed they wished this future to see the year out, they were enraptured on hearing the nurse declare,

"No one has ever had a heart attack from drinking beer."

Although Gobby's delight was short-lived on receiving the further piece of information,

"And when he can climb 2 flights of stairs you can have sex again."

Since, as far as she could recall, he had never been able to manage that.

Unbelievable Flying Objects

On returning to the Local after Barton Beer Festival the Regulars refused to give any credence to the accounts of some of their number, particularly those who had consumed their bodyweight in ale, of the mysterious lights and visions they claimed to have seen whilst taking some particularly unfresh air out the back of the Local.

The fact that Tattoo, of the spectacular eyesight and aftermath of his 'special lager' was particularly vociferous in his 'sighting' did little to sway the rest of the Regulars' stoic scepticism.

However, it became all too apparent the following day that the Regulars had, categorically, been overly hasty in their dismissal of such sightings when Spudgirl and Tubthumper were rendered incredulous at the unbelievably plausible invasion of the skies above their street.

Fest (also known as Fake Tim's Adventures in Gobbyland)

Excitement amongst the Regulars (or maybe just for Gobby after she managed a sneak preview inside the tent) had reached fever pitch (no reference to the far less exciting event of the cup final that weekend intended) as one of the highlights in Barton's somewhat sparse social calendar came round again and the Regulars readied themselves for:




















After an initial exploratory foray on the opening night the Regulars prided themselves on their level of sobriety especially considering their observations of others as they left the festival ground for the Local.

For one, they did not skid out of control round the corner into a police car to the words of,
"That wasn't very clever, was it?' although Ol' Blue Eyes did declare his sympathies for young unfortunate in question as, judging by the carnage surrounding the festival cider bar, he must have been,

'The only young lad in Barton that evening not p*ssed out of his head.'

Nor did they, on reaching the Local, suffer the same indignity of another festival goer and were successful in seeing the evening out without vomiting through their fingers.

The enthusiasm for real ale did vary amongst the Regulars with Ol' Blue Eyes pointing out no matter how many beer tokens Gobby saw fit to thrust on Jordan it was still,

"Like pushing a copy of the Watchtower on a non-believer."

The following day, subsequent to a tour of Bennett's Brewery and a pre-festival tipple:









The Regulars convened in the park for their second phase of attack, their numbers swelled somewhat by Dr Slim Carbuncle and the Swedish Librarian plus their offspring and Fake Tim and Never-Buys-a-T-shirt Mike. Anticipation for an afternoon of rioutous gratification was riding high, particularly for Tattoo who was unable to contain his enthusiasm for his once a year indulgence in the 'special lager' on tap habitually resulting in his so-called highly inappropriate "Legs like Douglas Bader" effect.

After a glorious afternoon:


























The Regulars feigned sufficient sobriety to return to the Local where further quantities of 'brave juice' were quaffed, so much so that Tubthumper, in an unprecedented display of boldness and to the utter disbelief of the Regulars, some of whom had already begun to paint themselves white to deflect the blast, dared to defy Spudgirl in insisting on one more for the road and with complete disregard for their following day's 57 point action plan.

Needless to say, such a foolhardy action inevitably saw him banished to the dock.














After the most pleasurable day the Regulars eventually felt it was time to set out home, if only to ensure Gobby did not explode from a terrifying excess of beer consumption.

Fatigue

As the Regulars made the most of the wealth of opportunities open to them over the Bank Holiday weekend by proportionally increasing the amount of leisure time devoted to the Local, Hamish did, on one occasion, go so far as to apologise for his previous night's performance due to his being 'very tired'.

To which the Regulars did comment they had indeed noticed he had been,

"As tired as a newt".

Party Poopers

As the Regulars tried to evade an event wholly unsuitable for ones of their progressing age of a 21st birthday party Ol' Blue Eyes recalled his previous lack of enjoyment at the 18th.

Gobby felt the need to declare,

"I don't remember seeing you there."

To which Hamish did explain,

"Actually, no, we were at the 19th. We were late."

Hair-raising

As Gobby complained at the devastation and ensuing tantrum in the bathroom as Billy Idle attempted to clean his THREE hairbrushes, the rest of the Regulars could only surmise he must need one for each hair.

Undeterred, Billy declared, whilst he may now be a follicular shadow of his former self, in his more luxuriant (although still ginger) days, so fixated on his coiffeur had he been that, should the wind have been blowing from an unfavourable direction, he would be compelled to walk backwards to the pub.

Accessorising

Hamish, the well-document miser, impressed with the particularly cheap bike he had been successful in acquiring did, conversely, lament the expediture in essential accessories prior to use.

As the Regulars predicted:

"Wheels."

"Brakes."

"Gears."

"Bell."

"Pedals."

Visionary

The Regulars admired Billy Idle's new glasses but could not help but wonder as to why one so unaccustomed to fresh air and the outside world as the infrequent Daywalker himself would have gone to the bother of a pair that react to such rarely encountered sunlight.

Tattoo, the especially optically challenged of the Regulars remarked that he too had been to Specsavers recently adding,

"And guess who I bumped into?"




"EVERYONE!!"

Sanctuary

After years subjected to the falsehoods, fabrications and perjury that amount to many an unsolicited encounter with Tweety, (see March 2006 - Big Bands, November 2006 - Tickets, April 2008 - Mythomania and January 2009 - Jump(er)ing into 2009) the Regulars, hiding round a corner of the Local, believed they had escaped this particular night's onslaught.

They were not however prepared for the fact that the recently incumbent Landlord and Landlady, Buzz Lightyear & Marlene, less accustomed to such heights of lunacy would too seek refuge in the far corners of their own establishment and recount the evening's magical mystery tour of a mind unable to disentangle reality from fantasy and inebriation with the declaration of having,

"Never heard such rubbish in 16 years of the pub trade!"

Nothing the Regulars could say in reassurance, however, summed up the situation quite as eloquently as the astute observation of the barmaid in informing the Regulars that the aforementioned delusional liar had,

"Gone to take his mouth for a sh*t."

Steaming

After a splendidly blurry middle-aged afternoon of beer and steam trains:
























Many ales later a group of the Regulars returned to the Local somewhat the worse for wear, and not just in reference to their anoraks.

As Gobby tried hard to sober up and Tubthumper and Spudgirl didn't bother, Jordan suggested a strong black coffee.

To which Hamish immediately objected declaring:

"The last thing we need is a wide awake drunk!"

Overbearing

Having finally recovered from the ridicule of the Regulars for his 'Dragon's Den' moment of the 'modified steering wheel for the blind' Billy Idle realised a trip to the opticians was long overdue and Gobby set about booking him in.

Unsure as to the exact whereabouts, Gobby felt reassured that Billy would be able to navigate himself there successfully when the more than helpful receptionist asked if he 'knew where the big McDonalds was'. Alarm bells started to ring on the following direction of diagonally opposite next to Greggs and, as the final coordinates of between there and Starbucks came to light, Gobby implored her to stop that the last thing one of Billy's metabolic rate required was 3 junk food points of triangulation.

Less than Total Recall

As the blurred recollections of the Whitby Weekend began to materialise Gobby tried to make sense of the eclectic ramblings, often punctuated by the words 'Bloody SatNav!' and illegible scrawl accompanying the hazy memories of the Regulars. A task made all the more painful due to the acknowledgment of the fact that, during the aforementioned she had had to be taken to the toilet by her mother.

Nevertheless, an array of vignettes soon poured forth starting with the Dark Lord's account of his own recent memories of the melting pot of the North East coast and the incompatible mixing of cultures stating:

"It was so weird: there were some Goths, some transvestites and some just from Whitby."

In their defence it was pointed out that such specimens may only have been trying to escape the gene pool. A viewpoint quashed by the Dark Lord declaring they were definitely,

"In the shallow end."

Followed by the Regulars' marvelling of Tubthumper's party piece of swallowing whole eggs for breakfast in the B&B which he depicted as,

"Like an oyster but much less orgasmic."

Not forgetting Spudgirl's valiant attempt to insinuate to one of Hamish's colleague that he was taking her away for the weekend despite the comic irony being somewhat lost on one so humourless and described as "stony-faced in a leather jacket - bit like the terminator but 4 foot 9 or as Hamish eloquently put it,

"More like termite."

Followed by comments so randomly recollected such as, unlike Tattoo's incident with a far too tempting banister, when Billy Idle found himself inadvertently bleeding and Ol' Blue Eyes enquired,

"Has one of your freckles bust?"

Or the non-attributable exchange of,

"Do you use a dictaphone?"

"No, I use my finger like everyone else."

Plus, after some unpleasant spillage,

"Can't you turn it inside out?"
"No it's got spots on it."
"I've seen that before down the GUM clinic."

After which hilarious recollections plus the amount of involuntary good humour on her part for the duration of the weekend Spudgirl complained that she couldn't cope with any more laughter. Tubthumper reassured her that she would soon have a couple of weeks off from such mirth in the following succinct exchange:

"Where are we going?"

"Your parents!"

Hardening Off

As Tattoo's second attempt boomed, Spudgirl had to sacrifice one specimen and Billy & Gobby suffered some gastropodan damage the Regulars eagerly awaited the approaching planting out phase of the pumkinathon...

Subjection

On a rare alcohol-devoid occasion and in the confined space of a moving vehicle some of the Regulars saw fit to allow their thoughts and conversation to drift to a rarely encountered state of the musings of intellectual sobriety.

That was until Spudgirl firmly put down a steel-toecapped safety-booted foot worthy of the potato store declaring:

"So we have one mathematician, one linguist, one scientist and ONE VERY BORED PERSON in the car!"

The 12 Ways of Breakfast

As if the pace of life in the Shire were not sufficiently languid the Regulars whiled away the best part of an hour's drinking time devising alternative lyrics to a well-known song, by the end of which there was more spilt drool that beer on the table of The Local:











On the first day of breakfast my Little Chef made for me:

12 button mushrooms
11 cups of coffee
10 rashers of bacon
9 pork sausage
8 fried potatoes
7 black puddings
6 plum tomatoes
5 onion rings
4 pieces of toast
3 fried eggs
2 hash browns

and a plate of baked beans on the side...

While the rest of the Regulars went for a much-needed lie-down after such an ordeal unfortunately Tattoo may have taken the process a step too far...

Happy Birthday Girl!

After months of anticipation the time for the Whitby Weekend to celebrate Spudgirl's 40th birthday finally arrived.

Between them the Regulars made this a special and memorable experience for Spudgirl throughout although were often in grave danger of losing her in the Bank Holiday crowds being wholly unused to ever seeing her displaying pleasure and mistaking her for an alarming grinning stranger.





















A hugely enjoyable time was had by all with the Regulars only returning to the Shire once Ol' Blue Eyes had drunk the town dry.

Hotting Up

After a slow start, due entirely to his own miserliness when it came to initial horticultural outlay, Tubthumper's pumpkin began to show signs of what it may be capable.

So much so that it would take someone with far more professional knowledge and skill than the Regulars to judge who had currently taken the lead between him and Billy Idle (who had, incidentally, lifted a finger, literally, to plant his own pumpkin).

Natural Selection

Disregarding much protestation, and even a wholly unjustified accusation of 'PUMPKIN MURDERER!', Gobby insisted that, despite his hard work and alleged gardening induced blister, the pitiful shoots clinging on to life in Tattoo's grossly oversized bucketful of slurry were plainly not an example of pumpkin seedlings.

And, despite his ridiculous and unsubstantiated scepticism, Tattoo finally deigned to bow to the rest of the Regulars' hitherto superior pumpkin growing techniques with his remaining seeds, allaying his unfounded suspicions and resorting to the unmiraculous tried and tested method of a propagation tray and compost.

Sure enough, within days, as pumpkin seedlings began to emerge, on enquiring if their appearance was distinctly different form the sprinkling of weeds displayed above Gobby managed to tease out the reluctant confession of,

"Slightly."

Germination

As Gobby blatantly and smugly enjoyed her early lead in the proceedings, it became clear that things were hotting up in the husband/wife race for second place.

So much so that the incandescently competitive Tubthumper may have begun to rue his decision to forgo the princely sum of £2.50 paid by his wife for a seed tray and propagation lid in favour of two used plum punnets from the supermarket when it became clear on comparison that Spudgirl's initial outlay may be reaping horticultural rewards:

Meanwhile, and to nobody's great surprise after dismissing many a gardener's preferred growing medium of rich potting compost in favour of his own blend of back garden sludge, Tattoo's efforts, way back in 3rd place, were proving very slow to break through.

However, suddenly and in turncoat fashion, after scathing the others for their technical use of 'artificial heat' then claiming his own airing cupboard to be too full, Tattoo braved the wrath of Jordan who, on returning home to find him nowhere to be seen but the fire on full in the living room, was wholly disconcerted by the new occupants therein:

Subsequently and initially to his great delight, the first tender green shoots finally broke through the slurry but, on Tattoo's own admission, looked nothing like the pumpkin seedlings proudly displayed by the rest of the Regulars. At this juncture Gobby did feel it only right and just to question as to whether these first signs of life were likely to develop into pumpkins at all or could simply be stray weeds and, on viewing the most pitiful pot of all, the Regulars mused as to whether, yet again, Ol' Blue Eyes' selection would inevitably prove to be an 'also ran'.

Britain's Got Talent (but not here).

Whilst Gobby felt she was really honing her karaoke skills it was deemed, from photographic evidence, that not all the Regulars shared her enthusiasm.

Nor the neighbours when they came round to complain at 2.00am.

PUMPKINMANIA - The Beginning

As the lights dimmed down the Local and Marlene presented Tattoo, the birthday boy with a giant caterpillar cake to 'protect his pumpkins' the Regulars knew the race was on and could barely sleep for the excitement of the PLANT OFF.








And indeed, no sooner had they woken up, sobered up, synchronised their watches and brushed the dew off the garden at 2.00pm the next day did the BIG DIG begin.

Week 1
After some days of unbearable tension and anticipation the miracle began with Gobby and Billy taking an early lead with an impressive 2 inches:














This was swiftly followed by an announcement from Tattoo of 'action in one pot' and the incurring of only a slight pumpkin-related head injury from his over-enthusiastic shed activity in checking progress.

Pot-shot:
Having been somewhat disappointed with Ol' Blue Eyes' lack of enthusiasm and the most feeble of excuses that living in a flat would in any way hinder his ability to grow a Cucurbita maxima Tattoo magnanimously took it upon himself to reserve a pot for him specially, although Ol' Blue Eyes' appreciation of this generosity was short-lived when it was revealed that, when caught short in the depths of his horticultural zone, Tattoo had been forced to resort to relieving himself therein.

Could this indeed be the secret elixir to which he had been repeatedly alluding? And would Ol' Blue Eyes be correct in his assumption that while the Regulars would be proudly taking the prize fruits of their labours to horticultural shows and competitions he would be taking his to the GUM clinic?

Sit back and enjoy as it is a long long time to Halloween...