Pensionable Pleasure

On the receipt of his bus-pass, Robin Get mused over his new life-status pointing out,


"Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife, Imelda and I went to the seaside to visit the family and went into a shoe shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes (unbelievably!). When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,

"Come on man, how about giving us senior citizens a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

Taking Sides

After another lamentable performance at Pub Quiz down The Local, the Regulars felt somewhat thwarted that their answer to the question "Name the 2 rival sides in the TV series The Last Salute" was not accepted as, surely it was clear to all and sundry that, in place of the correct answer of RAC & AA, they had merely made a simple spelling error in writing RUC & IRA.

Crime Prevention

As Gobby lamented the loss of her prize possession, her trusty old faithful bike, lovingly maintained since her teenage years, and last seen disappearing down the market place from outside the supermarket at the hands of some chav scum, her grief and shame was only compounded by the solemn lecture she received from Zig & Zag who, with their collective age of 5, expained in no uncertain terms, the importance of


LOCK BIKE, LOCK BIKE, LOCK BIKE, GOBBY!!!!!!

Did the Earth Move?

After the horrific news reports of the past week Evil Twin could not hide her concern for Gobby, Billy and the rest of the Regulars after their near-death earthquake experience exclaiming:

"Cannot BELIEVE that people would think that nothing ever happens in The Shire......"

Moreover, deeply concerned as to how the Regulars would cope in the aftermath of the disaster suggested:

"Hows about a multiple choice quiz to raise funds for 'disaster relief' You could charge people a quid to answer the following:"

"What do you think caused the earthquake in The Shire???"

a) Billy let one rip after last night's curry......................

b) Gobby was having passionate unabandoned sex and fell out of bed damaging herself badly, getting taken to hospital with cracked ribs and getting MRSA and winning £5million a la Leslie Ash................

c) it was caused by the stampede of Regulars finally forced out of The Local at 1am............

All joking aside it was clear that Evil Twin had been very moved by the plight of the good people of the Shire sending the following words of comfort:

Dear all,

Not often I send these types of things out but with the earthquake this week it really makes you think...

With all the news on TV lately about the hurricanes that America is experiencing, the typhoons in China, flooding in Switzerland and recent mud slides in South America, we shouldn't forget that the UK has its share of devastating natural disasters too.

Attached is a photo illustrating the damage caused to my home from the earthquake that occured.

It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.

Do take care of yourselves and be safe.

Best regards,

Evil Twin x

Swearing at Work

The Regulars were deeply concerned that Hamish may be on his way to yet another new place of employ (should there be any fork-lift truck establishments left untouched by his hand in The Shire) after he let slip a memo he had recently received from his boss:

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Hamish's Challenge

Whilst The Regulars marvelled at Hamish's staying power and determination in his bid to give up the dreaded weed, they felt they had to break it to him that it may take slightly more than that for him to give up the world of fork lift maintenance once and for all and take up his dream job of being a lumberjack.

Hamish's Retreat

With one of their members noticeably absent at the weekend The Regulars mused over Hamish's rehab progress at his special retreat which, to spare his feelings, they pretend to believe actually is 'Butlins' (see June 2007: Quick Learner).

They were all pleased to receive communication from him of the success of his most recent spell at 'Butlins':



"Hi folks, got back from 'Butlins' o.k. Great bands, loads of beer, only one attack of tourettes and great views from accommodation?"

At which Tattoo was only too pleased to praise Hamish on his progress and encourage further development,


"Obviously cut the branches off the tree, to stop you climbing up to look in the opposite bedroom window. "

"You perv."



Thankfully Hamish never goes on a weekend to 'Butlins' without taking suitable precautions should he 'get lucky' reassuring the rest of The Regulars,

"Didn't work, I had binoculars!"

Secret Passwords

Whilst avidly keeping abreast of the fast-paced world of Barton Lives Evil Twin was intrigued by last month's episode "Greater forces at Work" and the memories that ONION brought flooding back.


By her own admission:

"Having lapsed my Fatclub membership the minute I got into my frock and unable to go to the class and ask this:"

Evil Twin turned to the trustworthy, knowledgeable and infinitely dependable Regulars to see if they could shed light on her predicament, continuing:

"When I was there, the password was always something like:"

LENTIL.........CHICKEN..........VEGETABLE...........GRAPEFRUIT.............DUST............

and I thought..... do they ever have passwords such as:

LARD.............BLACK PUDDING.............BIG MAC.................PORK SCRATCHINGS..............????

Concluding,

"If not, they should. We would remember them a whole lot better."

Words of Comfort

After coming to terms with failing to secure a position that could not have been more tailor-made for her had she written the job description herself, slept with the interview panel and had the rest of the candidates consisted of the cast of Fraggle Rock, Gobby had managed to reach a philosophical stance on the proceedings just as Billy Idle returned home.

Indeed, it could be said that so successful had she been in her powers of self-counselling that Billy's additional words of solace, complete with his self-gratification of his own interview success ratio could have been left unsaid. Especially once they had been.


"Do you go into an interview as yourself?"

"You see, that could be where your problem lies."


Proving the point that, as Billy so proudly pointed out, it is indeed not his interview skills that are lacking.

The Simple Pleasures in Life

Always one to look on the bright side, Gobby felt that the adverse weather conditions of late and the ensuing technical interruption of their usual social interaction of 24 hour wall to wall television whilst awake, asleep or copulating, could only serve to deepen and enhance her relationship with Billy Idle.

It was clear that Billy too had considered this eventuality:

When the situation arose again during the crucial moments of what turned out to be Billy's beloved Tottenham's first win over Arsenal for 17 years, Gobby, 'spurred' on by this recent experience, ducked to avoid the suddenly airborne remote control, took refuge upstairs, and knowing Billy's poor maintenance record and inability to ever learn from previous mistakes or life experiences, risked life and limb, being short of stature (see Dorf the Dwarf - October 2007) and, perched on the toilet seat and at full stretch, (admittedly an unimpressive extent) cleaned the Sky dish with a bathroom towel.

The result of this feat of bravery (taking strength from the mighty Tottenham's motto 'Audere est facere' - 'To Dare Is To Do') and general advised cleaning and maintenance alleviated all threat of 'technical fault' plus Billy's impending infarction and the clever/dumb life balance in the household was, thankfully, restored.

Up North

After much sulking and berating Gobby's lack of CD player and his inability to subject all passengers to constant bombardment by the musical phenomenon that is 'The Lancashire Hotpots' on the journey to his homeland, Billy Idle, Spudgirl and Tubthumper shoehorned themselves into Gobby's (aka Dorf the Dwarf - see October 2007) unfeasibly small vehicle for the purpose as they set off across the Pennines for much beery merriment at the Manchester Winter Ales Festival.

Although secretly pleased at being spared the lyrical wonderment of "Chippy Tea" it transpired that this mirth was to be short-lived as Gobby & Billy made the fatal error of delegating Spudgirl and Tubthumper to purchase beer absorbing sustenance for them all only to find them cowering in a corner of the canteen claiming,

"There's a menu up there but it's all in northern!!"

However, after many more pints were consumed all such north-south divide barriers were broken down with the fabulous four stumbling back to the hotel singing,

"Bitter, Lager, Cider, Ale Stout

Designer drinks, I'd rather drink nowt!

You can keep your white wine spritzer

Babycham, that's for your sister

Order that in Lancashire, son, and you're out!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_MZUI8ap_M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZo6qsJ5MZ0&NR=1

Greater Forces at Work

Just as it would seem that things had started to look up down the Onion Factory for Spudgirl, events took a much more sinister turn.


After months of insider dealing and her ensuing delight on finally,

"Relinquishing onions to concentrate solely on potatoes" (see October 2007) Spudgirl now began to realise that there are, in the Shire, greater forces at work, all is never what it seems and once a trusted employee of 'Yorkshire Onions Ltd.' you can never, ever leave. Never again will Spudgirl queue up for her weekly fatclub password without looking over her shoulder.













After all, have you never read John Grisham's 'The Firm'?

.

Billy & the Old Bill

If there were one of The Regulars whose life would benefit immensely from a New Year Resolution it would for Billy Idle to learn from the folly of his life-long procrastination:

Let us see, dear readers, if you can spot:

A) How Billy could have avoided all of the following situations

and

B) The answer in the particularly challenging multiple choice quiz that he gave to the Old Bill as opposed to the ones he gave Gobby every time she tried and failed to point out the error of his slothsome ways:

So, on a particularly damp, dark winter morning the Old Bill pull Billy Idle over on his daily commute through the Shire:

Question 1

Do you realise, sir, that one of your headlights is not working?

A) It will be summer soon and I won't need it.

B) I cannot apologise enough and was not aware it needed replacing.

Question 2

Do you realise your tax disc is out of date?

A) I cannot apologise enough and was not aware it needed replacing.

B) Tax, insurance, MOT? I only ever have 2 of the 3.

Question 3

As you do not have your driving licence on you can you please produce it at the station within the next 14 days?

A) Of course, it will be the first thing I do after finishing work for the week.

B) F*ck me, therein lies another issue as it states my home address as Lancashire despite having lived in the Shire for the past 6 years for which there is a fine of up to £1000 for incorrect address details, how can I get out of this one?

Further rummaging though Billy's dusty post pile did indeed reveal a tax disc renewal form and a driver's licence replacement form. When questioned about the latter Billy was heard to indignantly claim:

"I don't like the photos I had done for it - I look a touch stupid.

Now how could anything ever learned about Billy ever make anyone believe that?!

A New Year beckons in The Potato Shire

The Regulars, with unerring predictability greeted yet another new year down The Local (although, thankfully this year the only 'balls' of note were Billy's 'Great Balls of Fire' (and he says he's not ginger!) that he chose to sing about rather than previous years when Robbin' Get and Tattoo's plums have been frighteningly visible.)

So, what excitement and frenzied activity could 2008 bring to The Regulars at the cutting edge of society?



Will Spudgirl find the executive position of her dreams in one of her 'brief moments between potatoes'?

How many positions of employment can Hamish jeopardise due to the unpredictibility of his Tourette's outbursts?

Will Gobby convince Billy Idle of the error of his misguided claim and that, in fact "a Belly IS just for Christmas and NOT for life"?

Will Rick Francis and Pocahonantas be able to regain custody of their marital home from the giant toy box patrolled by jeeps under Zig & Zag's control that it has become since that fated Christmas morn?

Will Tattoo ever grow that elusive ponytail?



All will, as ever, only be revealed on the pages of BARTON LIVES...

Pulling out All the Stops

After the all round success of "Pillow-Soft Shit-Be-Gone" Gobby could hardly contain her delight on spying (and purloining) a bottle of the latest must-have toilet product from a highly salubrious work Water Closet, fairly running home from work and bursting into the house to see for herself the magical properties of...

Mr Shifter!!!

A Cunning Plan...

Applying all his many years of education, knowledge gathering and scientific and systematic approach to the hazardous chemical environment in which he is brave enough to work on a daily basis Tubthumper could see the benefit of using such transferrable skills to aid him in his master plan for world domination of quiz night.

Even before cranking their collective intellect into gear to attempt to answer the high-brow questions of The Local's "Noughts and Crosses Bingo Quiz" The Regulars often struggle initially to find the numerically challenging correct box to fill in.

Undeterred and on a fast-track to a fortune Tubthumper devised a cunning system by which he would blaze a trail of stellar intellect and ingenuity by, cunningly, obliterating the difficult to identify question number thus speeding up his quiz-answering time exponentially with each subsequent question leaving the rest of the Regulars to flounder in his powerful wake.

Until, of course, it came to the randomly generated numerical marking of said quiz:

And just ask Spudgirl what a bad loser he can be...

There's a Guy Works down the Rubber Plant Swears He's Elvis...

The Regulars exceeded all festive expectations in managing not only one but 2 of the obligatory 'karaoke fests', the pièce de resistance of which being managing to actually hold one of them down The Local for all unsuspecting good folk of Barton to witness.

It would seem that Rick Francis, not content solely to eminate and immortalise the Mighty Quo, had his sights set on the King himself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmKaKlc5WTY

And if that weren't enough it would seem that Ol' Blue Eyes himself too was suffering from a similar schizophrenic disorder:

Friday's Philosophy

Several of The Regulars would do their best to slope off from work early on a Friday and slope into The Local to wet their whistles for the weekend (except Gobby, whose devotion to the rat race was such that she would often make an especially concerted effort to get up in time for such a rendezvous).

Many hours could be whiled away listening to the pearls of wisdom and philosophical musings from the collective insight of those present, no longer of any use to society, propping up the bar.

As the Three Stooges cogitated over the finer points of life and the Mirror Quizword it was with fondness that they recalled a former Barton resident asking if anyone remembered:

"Maureen with one leg".

The Regulars tried hard to recall such a resident and were just about to give up when, mercifully, with a blinding flash of inspiration one of the Stooges interjected with,

"Do you mean one-legged Maureen?"

It was generally agreed, that short of a cooincidence of gargantuan scale, that this, indeed, was most likely to be the same individual in question.

However, when one of the Stooges further mooted,

"Imagine that, a woman with one leg called Maureen. I wonder what she called the other one?"

Gobby decided it was time to make tracks as you could have too much intellectual conversation at one sitting what with the evening session yet to come...

A Dog's Life

With much reluctance Gobby grudgingly agreed to the imposition of family dogsitting for the weekend.





She made her feelings particularly clear, however, in that she very much resented a weekend of looking after a fat, lazy, ginger lump.












Plus a dog.

Billy's Buttocks

Gobby was not at all pleased to have her homemaking skills called into question on finding a note left for her from Billy Idle closely resembling a begging letter:

Further explanation of Billy's disdain for Gobby's environmentally friendly purchasing of recycled toilet paper ensued, likening the experience to 'wiping his arse on glass'.

Indeed, not content with berating her woeful wifely performance within the home, Billy saw fit to engage the support of The Regulars in the pursuit of a wipe more befitting of his delicate derriere declaring down The Local that:

"The big issue is soft tissue."

Despite her protestations that it was, after all, only for wiping arses, even ones as delicate as Billy's little peach, The Regulars felt that in order to further educate and guide Gobby in her toilet roll selection and purchasing skills that it would be a wise move to equip her with a range of swatches for ease of comparison. Tattoo proved to be particularly helpful in this area by sourcing a first sample suitable for yet another alias 'Beauty Buttocks' from the gents down The Local although possibly not helpful enough as, when he noticed Billy testing said sample (thankfully only on his face) did he see fit to point out that he had never declared specifically where he had found this nor claimed it to be unused.

To put an end to such ridiculous and unnecessary discussion Gobby reminded The Regulars of the true sole purpose of the item in question and on a particularly determined subsequent homemaking shopping excursion made sure that the item puchased did 'exactly what it said on the tin' and would keep everybody happy.

All at sea

There are few communities to be found where the local residents could be said to supersede those of the hotbed of Barton when it comes to having their finger on the pulse where current affairs and matters of national importance are concerned.

It was then, with great consternation during this week's pub quiz down the Local that The Regulars shook their communal heads in dismay when unable to identify the pop star recently in court for chaining a male escort to a whale.

Fortunately, and with an uncanny degree of regularity lately, all was revealed on a reiteration of the question in hand by Quiz-mistress Dolly Parton and The Regulars were somewhat relieved to find out that, all Boy George had actually been arrested for was:






Chaining a male escort to a WALL.

Pure Mathematics

Knowledge and use of basic mathematics has always been an inherent and integral part of individual and group life and clearly never more so than amongst The Regulars when faced with the weekly intellectual challenge of pub quiz down The Local.

Whilst it is an accepted fact that, by the time the Renaissance was under way, scientists were beginning to grapple with new concepts and working out how mathematics could be used to explain the world around them, even the vast collective intellect of The Regulars and, indeed, a by now honorary Regular at pub quiz, Archimedes - a mathematical genius centuries ahead of his time, may have struggled to come to terms with with the particular complexity of the undeniably challenging pub quiz question of:

“Name the numeral system that represents numeric values using only the numbers 0 and 17.”

Were it not for a more meticulous re-reading of the question by Quiz-Mistress Dolly Parton and a hasty correction to,

“Actually, it’s 0, 1 and a question mark!”

there would have been a distinct possibility that The Regulars could have been puzzling yet.

Vaguely Familiar

It had been some months since Billy Idle saw fit to assume several aliases (for reference visit Barton Lives archives May 2006 to rekindle the friendship of 'Studyboy' and 'Supershag').


However, thanks to the all-consuming nature of his new employment, down the Local one Friday evening Ol' Blue Eyes did point out to all and sundry that he could indeed confirm a rare sighting of 'The Hermit'.

And Studyboy's trusty former superhero sidekick, Buyergirl, came up with a genius suggestion to save the world:

"Move his bed to The Local."

Heart-warming

Whilst trudging through the damp depressing shopping streets on a very grey Barton Monday, Gobby found her spirits lifted on seeing the welcoming lights of a cosy local establishment and popped in for a few moments of friendly cheer and respite from the dismal weather with a fellow Regular.

In fact, so warming a welcome did she receive from the ever benevolent shopkeeper, Mel Smith, that Gobby felt it only fair and just to return the favour and, bidding a cheery farewell, she offered to further enhance the appeal of his emporium to the good people of Barton by leaving the front door open to let in some heat.

Diagnosis

Whilst waiting in the doctor's surgery one morning with Zig covered, not in blue ink for a change, but in an outbreak of something even more unpleasant looking Pocahontas had a flash of inspiration.

As the doctor diagnosed chickenpox, with a streak of cunning and a mean look in her eye Pocahontas added,

"And isn't it true, Doctor, that Zig's chickenpox are a direct result of his playing his drums too loud?"

To which the Doctor, quick as a flash backed her up and reinforced this.

It would seem that Zig must have spent the rest of the day trying to process such a revelation and when Rick Francis returned home that evening and asked about his trip to the doctors Zig announced with great conviction that he was indeed suffering from:

"CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS!"

Make mine a large one

Rick Francis decided to brighten up a potentially dull November day by issuing a new challenge to The Regulars:

"Now the voting is hotting up. Who will be the sexiest male this month? "

Gobby had to admit, as she viewed the competition, that she was not entirely convinced by Rick's words of reassurance as he threw down the gauntlet:

"You do realise that if Billy wins this months sexiest man, you will NEVER be able to complain about his weight again. If all female Tiscali voters reckon it's sexy to be........................ let's say cuddly, then you should happy. "

And she had to admit,

"There is just the timiest piece of nagging doubt in my mind that makes me wonder if all women would actually think that...

Can't think why..."

However, in desperation she begged anyone who might be foolhardy enough to cast a vote in the correct direction

but was only cast into further doubt when Evil Twin, after helping with the cause saw fit to point out:

i like it how at the end of the link below it says....

large1

hmmmm!!

http://www.tiscali.co.uk/community/galleries/rate/community/sexymale-november2007/large/1

Daylight Robbery

It is not often that Robin Get meets his match in 21st century 'rip-off Britain' but on this occasion Santa's little helpers certainly had not provided the best of "Offers Yule Love" and would have been best advised to run for cover when he vented his displeasure at a particularly "SPECIAL OFFER" of 6 baking potaotes for a snip of a price at only:

FOUR POUNDS FIFTY FACKING SIX!!

Why Hamish is not allowed to work in an office

The Regulars had been concerned at Hamish's seemingly recent lack of job satisfaction, multiple career paths and, moreover, his need to vacate The Local at a reasonable hour on Friday evenings to pursue his chosen course.

However, after much discussion it was mutually agreed that there were far more unsuitable career choices he could have made...

A Sticky Situation

After an undisclosed and messy incident at the rubber plant it looked like a long shift ahead for Rick Francis and Tubthumper.

Pocahontas was somewhat concerned on receiving an explanatory phonecall from Tubthumper rather than her own partner of choice but Tubthumper cleared up any confusion explaining that he had been designated as, being furthest from the epicentre, unlike his colleagues he was the only one not currently adhered to the walls or floor and also able to use the phone without it becoming a permanent appendage. His secondary reason, however, in that he had been unable to ring his own better half as he had inadvertently forgotten his own home telephone number was considerably less impressive.

The repercussions of the aforementioned industrial incident would pale into insignificance compared with the sticky end facing Tubthumper and his inopportune memory lapse on his return to Spudgirl that evening...

Where are we all coming from...?

It was with a sense of horror only perceptible to mothers of small children that, on returning downstairs with yet another load of toddler-stained washing, Pocahontas found that her entire lounge and hallway had been given a less than sympathetic instant makeover and that she was now the proud parent of the newest additions to The Smurfs.