July 2006

"The Fax is the Future!"
Apparently this week Hamish made a discovery and has taken a giant leap into the 21st century! Instead of travelling between Barrow Haven and New Holland all week he has spent a lot of time in one place and has spent more than the usual amount of time in the offices.
Unlike some of the other Regulars, who waste hours of working time each week through the power of email Hamish had, until now, been spending an inordinate amount of time working, and if this were not bad enough, driving, it would seem work related documents and pieces of paper from one place to another while the rest of the Regulars simply rely on magic and ether to do this for them.
To summarise, Hamish's attempt to hitchhike onto The Super Highway involved an announcement to The Local that he had "learnt something really good this week – I’ve finally learned how to send a Fax".
In awe at how that A4 sheet of paper manages to be disseminated into pieces so small as to fit down a telephone cable – whilst still preserving the integrity of both the original copy and the information contained therein – he announced with an overly satisfied smug grin that "The Fax is the Future!"
The Regulars, having previously been secretly proud with an air of smugness as to their competence with 21st century technology suddenly felt as if their self-inflated bubble had burst and were left with the idea that as they sit in The Local delighted with their tiny mobiles and the medium of "text" that they may, in fact be sadly lacking in their ability to send and receive the phenomenon of "faxes" from each other and that Hamish could, at any time put them to shame by walking into The Local with his handy fax machine tucked under his arm and cable dragging behind him just in case an urgent "fax" could be waiting! I
It was also decided that, in future, all emails received would have to be immediately "faxed" to Hamish lest he miss out on any of the daily work avoidance and humour.
As an aside, The Regulars, highly perturbed by what they could be missing out on decided it was imperative to come to The Local the following Friday evening with a fax machine instead of a paltry and, as elucidated by Hamish, highly limited mobile phone.
After much frantic searching and blowing off of dust in their assorted workplaces the Regulars set to making this a reality whilst, in addition, ensuring they sent a scout ahead to The Local on Friday to secure the necessary table space and power supply required for this technological miracle of "The Fax is the Future!"












Fagash
During the exceptionally busy night of the highlight of the week Pub Quiz down The Local, Pocahontas, the delightful barmaid was rushed off her feet and gagging for a cigarette. Rushing round The Local emptying ashtrays into the bucket clearly specially designed for the purpose imagine her delight in finding that, in the space of an hour, Billy Idle and Rick Francis had managed to fill an ashtray to such an overflowing capacity that the sheer time involved in emptying would, in fact, provide her with ample opportunity for a cigarette herself. Two of The Regulars in the corner pointed out through the smog that perhaps she would be better taking their ashtray away and simply leaving them with the bucket...


Bodies...
No need for alarm! Despite events of late nobody has been found murdered down The Local. Indeed this is more a reference to bodily parts...
During the recent heat wave The Regulars have had trouble coping with the intense heat of The Local's beer garden and may have been compelled to wear less clothing and expose more flesh than is wise or indeed attractive.
This, however, paled into insignificance when, on returning from their summer holiday abroad, Landlady Angie declared that it had been so hot she had only been able to wear 2 sticking plasters on her nipples. The Regulars awaited the holiday snaps with bated breath only to face the disappointment of realisation that said 2 plasters were, in fact in place of a bra and not quite their imagination of the 'nothing but 2 plasters' image...
Meanwhile, during Pub Quiz, on trying to decide which reptile could not stick out its tongue, Billy Idle announced that as a baby he never managed to stick out his tongue either. Perhaps, even now, the surface of the true depths of his slothfulness is still only being scratched...
And the world can only marvel as to how he managed to contract "athelete's" foot.