Rick Francis was horrified to find that someone at his place of work avoidance may have become wise to his and the Rest of The Regulars' true purpose of turning up to the daily grind (to continue any discussion from down The Local until it opened its doors again and they could roll back in) and felt he must warn them straight away!!
It was especially hoped that Billy Idle would be sitting down on receiving such a salutary warning.
Than again, he usually is...
Exam Papers
The Regulars were truly at a loss as to why Billy Idle, after all the measures taken and sanctions actioned against him had still had not passed his exam and felt the need to use fair means or foul to ascertain as to why this had happened lest Billy had been unfairly judged or harshly penalised...
It was only on acquiring one of Billy's past exam papers that the true nature of his ineptitude began to reveal itself in horrific form:
The Regulars were truly at a loss as to why Billy Idle, after all the measures taken and sanctions actioned against him had still had not passed his exam and felt the need to use fair means or foul to ascertain as to why this had happened lest Billy had been unfairly judged or harshly penalised...
It was only on acquiring one of Billy's past exam papers that the true nature of his ineptitude began to reveal itself in horrific form:
Live Rugby (for some at least!)
Pocahontas was unable to contain her excitement at a ticket to a forthcoming rugby match at the weekend. So much so that her exuberance may have led to a lapse of concentration causing her to misinterpret Tattoo's comment that he too would be watching the game.
She reported this to Rick Francis who concluded with a certain degree of envy that Tattoo must have been allocated a place in the works executive box as he had said "with comfortable seating, unrestricted views and food".
Indeed, on the morning of the match Rick contacted Tattoo to ascertain as to whether he was ready for the big game to which he was informed that he was indeed.
Not content with watching the game Rick and Pocahontas were determined to spot Tattoo in amongst the hoards and communicating via text throughout to ascertain that he was was enjoying himself and taking full advantage of the hspitality on offer (so much so it must be said that they missed a considerable amount of the action on the pitch).
On arriving back at The Local somewhat deflated and with less peace and love for their fellow man after the crashing defeat, to say that The Old Trafford party, Pocahontas and Rick Francis were surprised to see Tattoo already comfortably ensconced in a corner could only be attributed to a gross understatement. It was only then that the bitter truth and train of events was unfurled, that Tattoo had indeed spent a decidedly pleasant afternoon watching the rugby, in the comfort of his own living room.
The excrement then hit the wind machine and the unhappy couple were presented with 'Mugs of the Week' trophy whilst glaring at 'Executive Tattoo' who, along with the rest of The Regulars was unable to contain his mirth.
As a torrent of abuse and accusations began to descend on The Local like a thunderbolt Tattoo speedily assuaged any potential rift between The Regulars carefully explaining that at no time during the day's events had he ever strayed from the truth and Rick and Pocahontas could only look to the error of their interpretation off all intercommunication:
Getting dressed for the occasion - putting T-shirt on
Having prematch drinks - out of a can from the fridge
Dining = going to kitchen for a sandwich
Off to a bar for post-match drinks = off to The Local
And, when asked if he had a good view Tattoo had replied in all truthfulness that the action was indeed, "Right in front of him".
Rick Francis graciously accepted that he had been drawn in hook, line and sinker by Tattoo's ploy, putting this one down to bitter experience.
It would seem that Pocahontas was less forgiving in her understanding of the situation and may, indeed be plotting her revenge and setting out to scalp Tattoo. This is all the more worrying as that is all that he has left on his head as it is.
The unhappy couple were duly awarded the "Mug of the Year" trophy by an insufferably smug Tattoo.
Appreciation
On one of his many 'working' trips abroad it would seem Sven had been severely underprepared for the week's mission and had to make several demands on Gobby to provide him with the many forgotten items.
After a cursory expression of thanks Gobby felt the need to remind Sven that he was more than welcome to survive in the European wilderness alone in the future.
This soon prompted a much more satisfactory level of gratitude:
"Thank you, thank you, oh thank you, my honey covered bunny ;o) You are the best e-mailer in the whole world, oh divine helpful deity. Your wisdom is limitless, plus your IT and navigating skills on my computer are unsurpassed. Thank you, oh blessed being for spending some of your time on this unworthy one." and returned the dominant smug expression to Gobby's face for another week.
A little bit of what you fancy...
On another trip for provisions Gobby, yet again, was perturbed by some of the produce on offer in Barton. Still, what with Sven working abroad so much...
Loss
It was with a great sense of loss that Billy endeavoured to come to terms with the untimely demise this week of Debit and Credit, the office fish.
Perhaps someone was too Idle to feed them...
Mel Smith provided some salutary advice saying he named his goldfish 'One and Two'. Then if one died he'd still have two...
The Regulars, unable to bear seeing Billy's grief could not believe the hand that fate dealt them when, on a rare trip to an alternative drinking establishment in Barton, it would seem the panacea for Billy's strife had been delivered from heaven (or the back of a lorry at the very least.)
It was with a great sense of loss that Billy endeavoured to come to terms with the untimely demise this week of Debit and Credit, the office fish.
Perhaps someone was too Idle to feed them...
Mel Smith provided some salutary advice saying he named his goldfish 'One and Two'. Then if one died he'd still have two...
The Regulars, unable to bear seeing Billy's grief could not believe the hand that fate dealt them when, on a rare trip to an alternative drinking establishment in Barton, it would seem the panacea for Billy's strife had been delivered from heaven (or the back of a lorry at the very least.)
Directions
With exam time looming yet again for Billy Idle, and The Regulars and his trusted colleagues having proved distinctly more of a hindrance than a help last time in the quest for success, Billy felt it was time to turn to outside help and attend a REVISION COURSE.
Understandably, such an occurrence requiring a particular level of skill and knowledge in delivery could hardy be expected to take place in The Shire and can, indeed, only be found in an area that registers as populated on a map.
As if the fact that getting out of bed during the weekend were not akin to scaling the north face of the Eiger for someone of Billy Idle's slothlike ilk, the further fact that Billy would have to travel and find such a course caused The Regulars extreme consternation.
For, having made the intercontinental move from one side of the country to the other, amazingly Billy managed to do this without gaining the remotest insight into anywhere he may have passed in between.
Whist The Regulars would hold their hands up as to geographical ignorance and indeed, regularly prove this in the doldrums of quiz night even they, during infrequent but occasionally necessary forays into the outside world, have reached echelons of understanding that made them somewhat sceptical to Billy's insistence that Leeds, epicentre of revision course can be found just near York and Scunthorpe, all contentedly nestling together south of the Humber.
Even more worryingly it would seem, the M1 being the only conduit out of The Shire and into the developed world, that Billy believes all destinations to be reached with the blind trust and mantra "off the M1".
Clearly what Billy desperately needs is a Tom Tom (although not a Young Tom as that truly is another story altogether!)
With exam time looming yet again for Billy Idle, and The Regulars and his trusted colleagues having proved distinctly more of a hindrance than a help last time in the quest for success, Billy felt it was time to turn to outside help and attend a REVISION COURSE.
Understandably, such an occurrence requiring a particular level of skill and knowledge in delivery could hardy be expected to take place in The Shire and can, indeed, only be found in an area that registers as populated on a map.
As if the fact that getting out of bed during the weekend were not akin to scaling the north face of the Eiger for someone of Billy Idle's slothlike ilk, the further fact that Billy would have to travel and find such a course caused The Regulars extreme consternation.
For, having made the intercontinental move from one side of the country to the other, amazingly Billy managed to do this without gaining the remotest insight into anywhere he may have passed in between.
Whist The Regulars would hold their hands up as to geographical ignorance and indeed, regularly prove this in the doldrums of quiz night even they, during infrequent but occasionally necessary forays into the outside world, have reached echelons of understanding that made them somewhat sceptical to Billy's insistence that Leeds, epicentre of revision course can be found just near York and Scunthorpe, all contentedly nestling together south of the Humber.
Even more worryingly it would seem, the M1 being the only conduit out of The Shire and into the developed world, that Billy believes all destinations to be reached with the blind trust and mantra "off the M1".
Clearly what Billy desperately needs is a Tom Tom (although not a Young Tom as that truly is another story altogether!)
Chicken!
Whilst traversing the always deserted highways and byways of The Shire Hamish was somewhat perturbed when, without warning, a suicidal chicken threw itself under his wheels. If only he had stayed in the office faxing but the deed was done.
Doing his common duty (or about to bag the unfortunate now chicken escalope) Hamish pulled over to survey the scene.
From out of nowhere (this is the Shire) an irate farmer descended on Hamish demanding £30 for the untimely demise of said late poultry. Clearly this would never be a successful line of tack with one so well-known for tightfistedness as Hamish who stood his ground, pointing out that he could get one spit-roasted and a lot less misshapen in Proudfoots for a mere £3. In addition he felt the need to query the reasons for the chicken's foolhardy action and was informed that after harvesting (a highlight of the social calendar in The Shire) they would sweep any left over corn off the road to the side.
Always being one to offer timely advice Hamish suggested, that in future it may be wise to sweep said leftovers to the side of the road pertaining to the farmstead this avoiding the need for instilling the Highway Code into poultry. Then, leaving the simple farmfolk to ponder his wisdom Hamish put his head out of the window and his pedal to the metal with a final "So that's why the chicken crossed the road!!!"
Bad News
During another bout of hard work avoidance Rick Francis found a fantastic website to cheer himself and the rest of The Regulars up during the daily grind: http://www.deathclock.com/
This joyous little diversion predicts the date of your death then tells you how long to live in seconds you have left.
As Rick pointed out:
"That clock gives a new meaning to the phrase 'every second counts'I've just wasted 42 seconds watching my life tick away."
Poetically adding,
"I will die on the 17th May 2031Only got 24.5 years left, what a bummer. Just found a fit bird as well.Best enjoy it while I can."
Gobby was hugely concerned to find that despite her and Sven's rigorous health plan (once almost ending in divorce on a particularly strenuous long distance hike) that the sloth-like Billy Idle appeared to be going to outlive her. Indeed she immediately invited him to accompany her to running club that very evening in the knowledge that this might indeed significantly reduce his life expectancy to within the duration of the run (until Billy reminded her that it was quiz night and that The Regulars are intellectually challenged enough without deliberately killing off a member of their own team).
Although, to be fair, it would seem that Billy himself expressed greater concern at the implications of the revelation,
"Oh no – I might live until 66 – I quickly need provide for 1 year of pension or start eating more burgers!!!"
Concerned by their seemingly untimely deaths The Regulars decided to blot out this horror by drinking an amount healthy enough to make them forget all about it.
Moods
Whilst hard at work avoidance Billy Idle found some badges that he thought The Regulars might find useful in their respective workplaces .
Gobby, being the passive calm soul that she admitted to being slightly offended at the suggestion that she of all people would ever find cause for such badges.
This mild-mannered offence soon escalated to incandescent rage and violent hormonal frenzy when Rick Francis suggested that she,
"Just print the pages out and stick them all on your shirt".
Whilst traversing the always deserted highways and byways of The Shire Hamish was somewhat perturbed when, without warning, a suicidal chicken threw itself under his wheels. If only he had stayed in the office faxing but the deed was done.
Doing his common duty (or about to bag the unfortunate now chicken escalope) Hamish pulled over to survey the scene.
From out of nowhere (this is the Shire) an irate farmer descended on Hamish demanding £30 for the untimely demise of said late poultry. Clearly this would never be a successful line of tack with one so well-known for tightfistedness as Hamish who stood his ground, pointing out that he could get one spit-roasted and a lot less misshapen in Proudfoots for a mere £3. In addition he felt the need to query the reasons for the chicken's foolhardy action and was informed that after harvesting (a highlight of the social calendar in The Shire) they would sweep any left over corn off the road to the side.
Always being one to offer timely advice Hamish suggested, that in future it may be wise to sweep said leftovers to the side of the road pertaining to the farmstead this avoiding the need for instilling the Highway Code into poultry. Then, leaving the simple farmfolk to ponder his wisdom Hamish put his head out of the window and his pedal to the metal with a final "So that's why the chicken crossed the road!!!"
Bad News
During another bout of hard work avoidance Rick Francis found a fantastic website to cheer himself and the rest of The Regulars up during the daily grind: http://www.deathclock.com/
This joyous little diversion predicts the date of your death then tells you how long to live in seconds you have left.
As Rick pointed out:
"That clock gives a new meaning to the phrase 'every second counts'I've just wasted 42 seconds watching my life tick away."
Poetically adding,
"I will die on the 17th May 2031Only got 24.5 years left, what a bummer. Just found a fit bird as well.Best enjoy it while I can."
Gobby was hugely concerned to find that despite her and Sven's rigorous health plan (once almost ending in divorce on a particularly strenuous long distance hike) that the sloth-like Billy Idle appeared to be going to outlive her. Indeed she immediately invited him to accompany her to running club that very evening in the knowledge that this might indeed significantly reduce his life expectancy to within the duration of the run (until Billy reminded her that it was quiz night and that The Regulars are intellectually challenged enough without deliberately killing off a member of their own team).
Although, to be fair, it would seem that Billy himself expressed greater concern at the implications of the revelation,
"Oh no – I might live until 66 – I quickly need provide for 1 year of pension or start eating more burgers!!!"
Concerned by their seemingly untimely deaths The Regulars decided to blot out this horror by drinking an amount healthy enough to make them forget all about it.
Moods
Whilst hard at work avoidance Billy Idle found some badges that he thought The Regulars might find useful in their respective workplaces .
Gobby, being the passive calm soul that she admitted to being slightly offended at the suggestion that she of all people would ever find cause for such badges.
This mild-mannered offence soon escalated to incandescent rage and violent hormonal frenzy when Rick Francis suggested that she,
"Just print the pages out and stick them all on your shirt".
Outing
Horrified at having been unjustly accused of residing in 'The Sticks' a brave group of The Regulars took the unprecedented step of crossing 'The River' for a night out.
Delighted to find that this no longer had to be done by ferry Gobby volunteered to drive (as neither Jordan and Tatoo actually know how and Billy Idle, true to his name had not got round to any car repairs and is down to his one remaining mirror).
It would have to be said our brave group of explorers were lucky to make it to their destination at all as, when confronted by more than one lane of traffic, a concept wholly unknown in the metropolis of Barton followed by a round of white van roulette from what Billy could only assume must have been the Yorkshire and Humber White Van Formation team on a practice run The Regulars arrived at their destination decidedly shaken and somewhat stirred.
Fortunately, the calming effects of intoxicating liquor returned them to a semblance of their fun-loving selves but this was only to be cruelly cut short by what they could only consider to be a freak of nature when they heard a bell ring. Racking their brains and harking back to some distant and decidedly cloudy memory it was with horror that they realised that this tolling was indeed a harbinger of doom and that long forgotten concept of 'time at the bar'. Dumbstruck, horrified (and eventually thrown out of drinking establishment) the Regulars rushed back to the metropolis of Barton in a cold sweat, where thankfully, on entering this alternative time zone they found The Local still cheerfully serving and the balance of nature in 'The Sticks' was restored.
The death of the future!
Whilst visiting the little girls' room at work Gobby was confronted by a horrific sight in the corridor and had no idea how to break the news of what she had seen to Hamish.
Luckily she realised that placing it on a website in the public domain available to the whole world would be quite safe as Hamish had no chance of being advanced enough to use the necessary technology to access it.
Horrified at having been unjustly accused of residing in 'The Sticks' a brave group of The Regulars took the unprecedented step of crossing 'The River' for a night out.
Delighted to find that this no longer had to be done by ferry Gobby volunteered to drive (as neither Jordan and Tatoo actually know how and Billy Idle, true to his name had not got round to any car repairs and is down to his one remaining mirror).
It would have to be said our brave group of explorers were lucky to make it to their destination at all as, when confronted by more than one lane of traffic, a concept wholly unknown in the metropolis of Barton followed by a round of white van roulette from what Billy could only assume must have been the Yorkshire and Humber White Van Formation team on a practice run The Regulars arrived at their destination decidedly shaken and somewhat stirred.
Fortunately, the calming effects of intoxicating liquor returned them to a semblance of their fun-loving selves but this was only to be cruelly cut short by what they could only consider to be a freak of nature when they heard a bell ring. Racking their brains and harking back to some distant and decidedly cloudy memory it was with horror that they realised that this tolling was indeed a harbinger of doom and that long forgotten concept of 'time at the bar'. Dumbstruck, horrified (and eventually thrown out of drinking establishment) the Regulars rushed back to the metropolis of Barton in a cold sweat, where thankfully, on entering this alternative time zone they found The Local still cheerfully serving and the balance of nature in 'The Sticks' was restored.
The death of the future!
Whilst visiting the little girls' room at work Gobby was confronted by a horrific sight in the corridor and had no idea how to break the news of what she had seen to Hamish.
Luckily she realised that placing it on a website in the public domain available to the whole world would be quite safe as Hamish had no chance of being advanced enough to use the necessary technology to access it.
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