The Regulars were obviously at a loss as to of whom the following cartoon reminded them although it did look strangely familiar...
An Invitation too good to refuse...
After a highly successful Bank Holiday weekend rugby league & stew fest Rick Francis felt it would be good cheer to continue the theme cordially inviting the rest of The Regulars to a forthcoming event:
Challenge cup quarter final -
Challenge cup quarter final - Hull FC v Catalan Dragons -Sunday 10th June 3:15 kick off
Anyone fancy the afternoon watching a good French side?Tickets go on sale tomorrow, but it looks like you can pay on the day.
It soon became apparent, however, that Rick's informative and benevolent gesture to his fellow man had not been so received by his loving wife:
"Oh Rick,Have you learned nothing since being with me?Sorry to you all for Rick's stupidity, I will rewrite this invitation for him:Challenge cup quarter final The best team in the world Hull FC v Catalan Dragons
Sunday 10th June 3:15 kick offAnybody wanting the privilege to go to one of the best stadiums in super league, and have the honour of watching Challenge cup winners 2005, plus super league finalists 2006, (although got totally ripped off as the ref was paid by saints) Hull FC totally wipe the floor with the French team, who will probably be relegated next season, as they have only stayed in super league so long due to the fact they are not allowed to be relegated for two seasons.
If you feel you'd like this privilege of watching this fantastic team Hull FC, tickets go on sale tomorrow, on most games you can pay on the day, but with it been Hull FC you are advised to get tickets ASAP as everyone will also want this privilege (and let's face it who would blame them).Not yet sure of admission charge, will find out later, although I'm sure you will agree the cost does not matter, as we are talking about Hull FC. There you go Rick: that is how it should have been stated. And Baldy Bouncer, Tattoo DON'T SAY A WORD. Kindest Regards Pocahontas, loyal and faithful Hull FC fan!!!!!!!!!"
So, no confusion there of any kind…
Hamish unreservedly supported Pocahontas (albeit in his own very special Tourette's induced way):
"I'm with Pocahontas on this one. mainly because she has breasts and serves me beer. Where’s Hull? .Hamish."
Although, with possibly a degree of too much information, Tattoo did see fit to point out:
"Rick also has breasts and, in the past has served you beer. He has also slept with you, has he not?"
At this juncture the rest of The Regulars felt a sudden urge to remove themselves from the discussion and throw themselves wholeheartedly into work (for once), (until the storm had blown over)...
During a particularly stressful week of hard work avoidance The Regulars decided to indulge in a new pastime of seeing which animals they most closely resembled (although some would argue that they would be better served trying harder to resemble human beings on occasions).
Rick Francis, champion of finding such wholly useless websites since discovering the delights of predicting the countdown to his own death as previously documented on Barton Lives and clearly with the least hard work to avoid, started the ball rolling with:
"I am the mighty andfeared............................................................
Rick Francis, champion of finding such wholly useless websites since discovering the delights of predicting the countdown to his own death as previously documented on Barton Lives and clearly with the least hard work to avoid, started the ball rolling with:
"I am the mighty andfeared............................................................
"Badger."
On trying this for herself Gobby was perturbed to find that:
Worryingly so am I... and we are just SO similar...
And was even more disgruntled on reading the character analysis in no way agreeing with the accusation of being 'grumpy' and especially 'hard-working'
Always one to wind her up further Rick Francis challenged with:
Let's see just how much in common we really are.On the same quiz site, which breed of domestic dog are you?
Misguidedly Gobby believed this could only be better until the results were returned casing her great distress to discover:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cannot be true!!!!
I am a POMERANIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An irritating yappy centre of attention little bastard dog!!!
HOW CAN THIS HAVE HAPPENED!?!?!?!?!?!?"
To give him his due, Rick Francis did try to console her in some way with the following words of comfort:
"mmmmmmm, now let me think............................................Nocan't think how this could have happened.""I'm a Labrador, Clever, energetic, loyal, good looking......
oh and full of shit".
Gobby could only must at the inaccuracy and injustice of such findings wailing,
"God help us if Billy Idle comes put as a greyhound or something!!!!!!""
Meanwhile, during this contretemps the rest of The Regulars had been quietly assessing their positions in the animal kingdom:
Tubthumper seemed rather pleased with himself on discovering that:
"I happen to be a Bear.
Apparently it means I'm quite laid back and only get motivated when there's food around!!!"
To which Billy Idle added that he too was a bear and that it was,
"Pretty accurate I think - especially the lazy bit!!!!"
Pocahontas shyly admitted'
"I am the horse which says I am a fantastic person, people think of me as a 1st class friend, basically the sun shines out of my arse!!!!!!!"
Whilst Hamish declared:
"Topped you all! I'm the PANDA.Eats, shoots and leaves."
On which, being scared of his many and frequent Tourette's-induced outbursts The Regulars chose not to pass comment...
On trying this for herself Gobby was perturbed to find that:
Worryingly so am I... and we are just SO similar...
And was even more disgruntled on reading the character analysis in no way agreeing with the accusation of being 'grumpy' and especially 'hard-working'
Always one to wind her up further Rick Francis challenged with:
Let's see just how much in common we really are.On the same quiz site, which breed of domestic dog are you?
Misguidedly Gobby believed this could only be better until the results were returned casing her great distress to discover:
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cannot be true!!!!
I am a POMERANIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An irritating yappy centre of attention little bastard dog!!!
HOW CAN THIS HAVE HAPPENED!?!?!?!?!?!?"
To give him his due, Rick Francis did try to console her in some way with the following words of comfort:
"mmmmmmm, now let me think............................................Nocan't think how this could have happened.""I'm a Labrador, Clever, energetic, loyal, good looking......
oh and full of shit".
Gobby could only must at the inaccuracy and injustice of such findings wailing,
"God help us if Billy Idle comes put as a greyhound or something!!!!!!""
Meanwhile, during this contretemps the rest of The Regulars had been quietly assessing their positions in the animal kingdom:
Tubthumper seemed rather pleased with himself on discovering that:
"I happen to be a Bear.
Apparently it means I'm quite laid back and only get motivated when there's food around!!!"
To which Billy Idle added that he too was a bear and that it was,
"Pretty accurate I think - especially the lazy bit!!!!"
Pocahontas shyly admitted'
"I am the horse which says I am a fantastic person, people think of me as a 1st class friend, basically the sun shines out of my arse!!!!!!!"
Whilst Hamish declared:
"Topped you all! I'm the PANDA.Eats, shoots and leaves."
On which, being scared of his many and frequent Tourette's-induced outbursts The Regulars chose not to pass comment...
Gas
On arriving at work at the chemical plant Barrow Boy aka Tubthumper was driven from the office by a mysterious and wholly stomach churning stench causing him to elicit advice from The Regulars out of concern:
"There was a strange smell emanating from the office this morning. Do youthink this picture of Rick Francis explains it?"
Knowing their eating habits well Gobby commented that,
"Does make you wonder what Pocahontas put in last night's stew..."
However, Rick was quick to defend his lovely wife's culinary efforts pointing out,
"Stew Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,Actually we had a vindaloo with sprouts and beans, so I don't know whatcould have caused it."
So The Regulars were none the wiser and reluctantly got about their working day (apart from Tubthumper who spent the reminder of his retching over a bucket in the corner).
19th Hole
Realising that the romp through the park had only been the tip of the iceberg, the rest of The Regulars breathed a sigh of relief as it became all too apparent why Hamish would not be joining them on this year's vacation...
Realising that the romp through the park had only been the tip of the iceberg, the rest of The Regulars breathed a sigh of relief as it became all too apparent why Hamish would not be joining them on this year's vacation...
Too excited for their own good...
Not satisfied with the ludicrous ritual of growing ridiculous facial hair in advance of their escape from their wives and partners it became clear that The regulars were getting far too excited by their forthcoming sojourn than their collective age of 437 should allow:
Rick Francis got so ahead of himself that, even prior to this year's event he bagan planning for next year suggesting he had just found the perfect website for Tattoo's next holiday:
http://www.baldheadisland.com/
It would seem that Barrow Boy too was dropping hints that he too may like to be included next year, despite his somewhat novice status claiming,
"I think even I would be able to pot a few balls on a course like this."
To which Tattoo did point out that, the skill of The Regulars being such,
"Would probably still miss."
Not satisfied with the ludicrous ritual of growing ridiculous facial hair in advance of their escape from their wives and partners it became clear that The regulars were getting far too excited by their forthcoming sojourn than their collective age of 437 should allow:
Rick Francis got so ahead of himself that, even prior to this year's event he bagan planning for next year suggesting he had just found the perfect website for Tattoo's next holiday:
http://www.baldheadisland.com/
It would seem that Barrow Boy too was dropping hints that he too may like to be included next year, despite his somewhat novice status claiming,
"I think even I would be able to pot a few balls on a course like this."
To which Tattoo did point out that, the skill of The Regulars being such,
"Would probably still miss."
Pants!
Gobby was very upset to find, after many years of renown, that Hamish had tried to overthrow her title of biggest pants down The Local...
She could only console herself with the knowledge that at least it was his turn for a wedgie...
Gobby was very upset to find, after many years of renown, that Hamish had tried to overthrow her title of biggest pants down The Local...
She could only console herself with the knowledge that at least it was his turn for a wedgie...
Going Swimmingly
After many years of self-abuse and in a desperate attempt to live longer than their waist sizes The Regulars decided to take up some long-overdue form of exercise.
After much contemplation of the various forms on offer, swimming was selected as the activity of choice on Billy Idle's sound recommendation of it being "God's way of making fat people float".
On arrival Gobby was horrified to find that no one had told Tattoo that Speedos had gone out along with the first cross-channel swim and decided action needed to be taken before the next immersion berating him for the unsuitability of his choice of attire and for failing to keep appearances up to the high standards demanded by The Regulars.
However, her relief on being informed by Tattoo that amends had been made were short-lived when she realised his comment of:
"Seeing that you are a little bit embarrassed by my Speedos, I have decided to go swimming in my best tuxedo."
was not in fact tongue in cheek...
After many years of self-abuse and in a desperate attempt to live longer than their waist sizes The Regulars decided to take up some long-overdue form of exercise.
After much contemplation of the various forms on offer, swimming was selected as the activity of choice on Billy Idle's sound recommendation of it being "God's way of making fat people float".
On arrival Gobby was horrified to find that no one had told Tattoo that Speedos had gone out along with the first cross-channel swim and decided action needed to be taken before the next immersion berating him for the unsuitability of his choice of attire and for failing to keep appearances up to the high standards demanded by The Regulars.
However, her relief on being informed by Tattoo that amends had been made were short-lived when she realised his comment of:
"Seeing that you are a little bit embarrassed by my Speedos, I have decided to go swimming in my best tuxedo."
was not in fact tongue in cheek...
That time of year again
The Regulars could hardly contain their excitement for their forthcoming golfing holiday when Barrow Boy happened upon one of the resort webcams:
The Regulars could hardly contain their excitement for their forthcoming golfing holiday when Barrow Boy happened upon one of the resort webcams:
Billy Idle finally pulls his finger out and gets round to his housewarming party...
After only a matter of months Billy Idle finally got round to giving his housewarming party - possibly as, on moving in, he had discovered that in order to have a housewarming one's house does actually need to facilitate heating so that some degree of warming could indeed be possible.
True to form, the karaoke king returned in all his Disney finery and Blue Suede Shoes confirming the fact that Gobby had tried to explain to the Lady of Shallot in that, it was not in fact that Billy's fashion sense had in any way improved, it was simply that all the skeletons and worse in his closet had merely been waiting for an opportunity to emerge once more.
Obviously the event was a roaring success not least for Jordan, who this time managed not to camouflage herself as one of the sofas and risk being sat upon for the entire evening although Gobby did forewarn her and give her the opportunity to be clad head to toe in brown leather; and for Ol' Blue Eyes himself who must have been rubbing his hands in glee to rid himself of the burden of the responsibility for of the vintage cans of Pedigree bequeathed to him in the last will and testament of his long-dead neighbour, which, he may have got away with had one sip not been on the verge of sending Barrow Boy into anaphylactic shock.
However, all were united in their agreement on the highlight of the evening courtesy of Barrow Boy - or shouls it now be 'TUBTHUMPER'?!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgj_wHVaIaU
Gobby did feel however that some of The Regulars were not really adhering to the strong sense of social responsibility upheld down The Local and, had they heeded her sanctimonious example of retiring to bed at a reasonable time fully dressed, complete with shoes, then Hamish would never have been in danger of receiving an ASBO for his naked journey home through the park.
Buyergirl also confessed that she too would have would have retired earlier had she known that her beloved would spend the evening being pelted by tasteful Scooby Snack cushions as Rick Francis ensured he would not miss a moment of the joviality of the evening and that all prospect of more than a few snatches of sleep would be rendered impossible by Billy's own natural alarm call of the snoring of legend down The Local that, despite being through a wall and 2 closed doors had them fleeing for the safety of the north bank a little after daybreak.
In addition, by the end of the evening, it must be said the Lady of Shallot did rue her earlier comments and would have given her last onion to see Billy attired in his usual party-time sartorial elegance than the final sorry state of affairs that confronted those guests stalwart enough to make it to the bitter end.
After only a matter of months Billy Idle finally got round to giving his housewarming party - possibly as, on moving in, he had discovered that in order to have a housewarming one's house does actually need to facilitate heating so that some degree of warming could indeed be possible.
True to form, the karaoke king returned in all his Disney finery and Blue Suede Shoes confirming the fact that Gobby had tried to explain to the Lady of Shallot in that, it was not in fact that Billy's fashion sense had in any way improved, it was simply that all the skeletons and worse in his closet had merely been waiting for an opportunity to emerge once more.
Obviously the event was a roaring success not least for Jordan, who this time managed not to camouflage herself as one of the sofas and risk being sat upon for the entire evening although Gobby did forewarn her and give her the opportunity to be clad head to toe in brown leather; and for Ol' Blue Eyes himself who must have been rubbing his hands in glee to rid himself of the burden of the responsibility for of the vintage cans of Pedigree bequeathed to him in the last will and testament of his long-dead neighbour, which, he may have got away with had one sip not been on the verge of sending Barrow Boy into anaphylactic shock.
However, all were united in their agreement on the highlight of the evening courtesy of Barrow Boy - or shouls it now be 'TUBTHUMPER'?!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgj_wHVaIaU
Gobby did feel however that some of The Regulars were not really adhering to the strong sense of social responsibility upheld down The Local and, had they heeded her sanctimonious example of retiring to bed at a reasonable time fully dressed, complete with shoes, then Hamish would never have been in danger of receiving an ASBO for his naked journey home through the park.
Buyergirl also confessed that she too would have would have retired earlier had she known that her beloved would spend the evening being pelted by tasteful Scooby Snack cushions as Rick Francis ensured he would not miss a moment of the joviality of the evening and that all prospect of more than a few snatches of sleep would be rendered impossible by Billy's own natural alarm call of the snoring of legend down The Local that, despite being through a wall and 2 closed doors had them fleeing for the safety of the north bank a little after daybreak.
In addition, by the end of the evening, it must be said the Lady of Shallot did rue her earlier comments and would have given her last onion to see Billy attired in his usual party-time sartorial elegance than the final sorry state of affairs that confronted those guests stalwart enough to make it to the bitter end.
Happy Ever After
All that need be said is that The Regulars were delighted to celebrate the joyous occasion of the joining in matrimony of Rick Francis and Pocahontas.
And, only slightly more delighted to find out that, as the happy event was to be held down The Local, that there wouldn't even have be any effort involved in having to move a muscle to do so.
All that need be said is that The Regulars were delighted to celebrate the joyous occasion of the joining in matrimony of Rick Francis and Pocahontas.
And, only slightly more delighted to find out that, as the happy event was to be held down The Local, that there wouldn't even have be any effort involved in having to move a muscle to do so.
New Blood
As ever The Regulars, always delighted to lure some unsuspecting outsiders into their lair were gleeful to welcome Rick Francis's new colleague, Barrow Boy resident in the next village (and believe it that makes you an outsider in The Shire) and his lovely wife.
However, there was an issue regarding suitable nomenclature for the latter causing much debate and consternation:
Rick Francis suggested that he basic facts would be a good starting point helpfully pointing out:
"She starts work in a Onion factory next week,Her hobbies include Bell RingingHer accent is a bit, well, Southern"
After Tattoo had indicated he was too scared by such details to dare to suggest anything and much deeply intellectually pondering of such matters by The Regulars Gobby felt she had found the solution:
"I've got it!!
"The Lady of Shallot' = the famous poem by Alfred, Lord Tennyson"
This seemed to go down famously with the lady in question who enthused:
"Cool! I like it, but it's not down to me?"
To which Gobby, true to form in a demure, shy and retiring way pointed out:
"NO!! It's down to me!!!!! That's settled then!!"
This did however, remarkably, stir a response from Billy Idle:
"Oh, aren’t we being authoritative!!! Lol.
Whatever happened to ideas on the table and discussion down The Local??"
Clearly tired of the unnecessary intervention to what had already been agreed by the female element of The Regulars and regretting having spurred the more commonly sloth-like Billy into a semi-conscious state before opening hours Gobby decided to pull rank announcing:
"Who decides?!?!
And I'm an only child so I expect my own way at all times and won't share."
Billy, who must have remarkably still been awake at this point retorted:
"Play nice with the other children!!!
Otherwise, you’ll never have any friends if you keep being peevish. Although that may be why you sit reading poems by Alfred, Lord Tennyson."
Undeterred by yet another slight on her character Gobby smugly reminded The Regulars:
"You will all be thanking me if it comes up on pub quiz this week..."
Mercifully at this point Rick Francis intervened having discovered a portrait in which the remarkable similarity could be observed...
As ever The Regulars, always delighted to lure some unsuspecting outsiders into their lair were gleeful to welcome Rick Francis's new colleague, Barrow Boy resident in the next village (and believe it that makes you an outsider in The Shire) and his lovely wife.
However, there was an issue regarding suitable nomenclature for the latter causing much debate and consternation:
Rick Francis suggested that he basic facts would be a good starting point helpfully pointing out:
"She starts work in a Onion factory next week,Her hobbies include Bell RingingHer accent is a bit, well, Southern"
After Tattoo had indicated he was too scared by such details to dare to suggest anything and much deeply intellectually pondering of such matters by The Regulars Gobby felt she had found the solution:
"I've got it!!
"The Lady of Shallot' = the famous poem by Alfred, Lord Tennyson"
This seemed to go down famously with the lady in question who enthused:
"Cool! I like it, but it's not down to me?"
To which Gobby, true to form in a demure, shy and retiring way pointed out:
"NO!! It's down to me!!!!! That's settled then!!"
This did however, remarkably, stir a response from Billy Idle:
"Oh, aren’t we being authoritative!!! Lol.
Whatever happened to ideas on the table and discussion down The Local??"
Clearly tired of the unnecessary intervention to what had already been agreed by the female element of The Regulars and regretting having spurred the more commonly sloth-like Billy into a semi-conscious state before opening hours Gobby decided to pull rank announcing:
"Who decides?!?!
And I'm an only child so I expect my own way at all times and won't share."
Billy, who must have remarkably still been awake at this point retorted:
"Play nice with the other children!!!
Otherwise, you’ll never have any friends if you keep being peevish. Although that may be why you sit reading poems by Alfred, Lord Tennyson."
Undeterred by yet another slight on her character Gobby smugly reminded The Regulars:
"You will all be thanking me if it comes up on pub quiz this week..."
Mercifully at this point Rick Francis intervened having discovered a portrait in which the remarkable similarity could be observed...
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