The Regulars, supportive as ever, were concerned that Rick Francis had been somewhat under the weather and not made it to The Local for some time (at least a day).
Their concern was only heightened when Rick. comparing himself with some of his colleagues did ponder,
"Who said that it's safe to work in a chemical factory?"
Sweet Nothings
During a particularly heavy week of hard work avoidance Rick Francis mused,
"Ever wondered what kind of animal you would be?Well, if Sven and Gobby were Seagulls, guess which one is which in thepicture?"
To which injustice Gobby felt it was only fair to remind The Regulars,
"And guess which one would immediately up and fly off to Europe..."As often reported here the Regulars never miss an opportunity to maintain their unfailing network of support so Billy Idle wasted no time in reassuring Gobby,
"And still be able to hear you??"
With the comment,
"Looks like I've opened a can of worms."
Rick Francis happily got back to work delighted to have brought such love and harmony to all.
During a particularly heavy week of hard work avoidance Rick Francis mused,
"Ever wondered what kind of animal you would be?Well, if Sven and Gobby were Seagulls, guess which one is which in thepicture?"
To which injustice Gobby felt it was only fair to remind The Regulars,
"And guess which one would immediately up and fly off to Europe..."As often reported here the Regulars never miss an opportunity to maintain their unfailing network of support so Billy Idle wasted no time in reassuring Gobby,
"And still be able to hear you??"
With the comment,
"Looks like I've opened a can of worms."
Rick Francis happily got back to work delighted to have brought such love and harmony to all.
New Invention
Having being rumbled at an early age, courtesy of a family album, Rick Francis was delighted to discover a new invention for, as he put it, viewing those 'Adult websites' withoutthe missus getting suspicious
Having being rumbled at an early age, courtesy of a family album, Rick Francis was delighted to discover a new invention for, as he put it, viewing those 'Adult websites' withoutthe missus getting suspicious
Coming Out...
The Regulars were becoming increasingly concerned at the fact that they had not seen Tattoo for some time, when the door to The Local burst open and they were faced with the all too apparent realisation he had been building up the courage to break it to them that he had indeed chosen that very evening to come out as:
"The only gay welder in the village"
The Regulars were becoming increasingly concerned at the fact that they had not seen Tattoo for some time, when the door to The Local burst open and they were faced with the all too apparent realisation he had been building up the courage to break it to them that he had indeed chosen that very evening to come out as:
"The only gay welder in the village"
Resolution
Not actually the name of Sven's new pirate ship but an allusion to Billy Idle's many good intentions for the Year ahead...
Indeed, taking into account the amount and nature of the lifestyle changes crying out to be made to Billy's very existence one must only be thankful that he has an entire year to do so.
As, ever The Regulars have been entirely supportive to Billy; rallying round in their inimitable way to one of their own in their hour of need. Indeed, not only an hour did they devote to the cause but approximately a whole day of hard work avoidance each:
Rick Francis selflessly and relentlessly scourged the deluge of new diets promoted each new year until, "At last, a diet that I think Billy will be able to keep to". (See image below)
Billy’s trusty colleague, Buyergirl (and the one unfortunate enough to witness his daily gluttony) felt she must protest and point out, "Only if he can 'go large'!"
This was met with some incredulity by Gobby exclaiming, "What 'largER?!!?!?!?!?!!?"
True to form was Billy’s retort of, "No, ‘LAGER’!!"
Sven felt the need to intervene reminding Billy of not only his commitment to dieting but also to home ownership, "Indeed, definitely no lager for you for the next 25 years after buying that mansion!"
To which Billy mused, "I wish was a mansion, however may be able to manage a couple of pints and an orange squash (in the next 25 years)."
Gobby, in her tireless (and often tiresome) dedication to charity and saving the planet was distressed by this exclaiming, "I feel sorry for the poor orange that you're clearly about to sit on, Lagerboy...
Billy, jumped on the bandwagon and an opportunity to add to his growing list of alteregos including 'Studyboy and Supershag' (see previous episodes of Barton Lives) pointing out, "Larger Lager Boy…… Surely?"
Buyergirl intervened instructing Billy, "Just make sure that you eat that squashed orange for your tea, you had more than enough dinner! And only water in the pub tonight, not beer flavoured either!"
Billy pleaded with his trusty colleague: "No way! Getting me into trouble! Had one butty today and you know it! Please advise my caring "Weightwatcher" friends just how many cakes, bags of Crisps and cans of coke I have had since we got back after Christmas as well, and the fact that turned down bacon butty on Tuesday."
Although he clearly overstepped the mark with the suggestion, "Think that alone earns me a full Yard of Ale this evening!!! Lol."
Sven showed a degree of scepticism: "Hmm, how do we know that today's butty wasn't also yard sized?"
Billy, knowing he was rumbled had to admit, "Probably was " Back Yard Sized" but at least was only one. Usually would have been accompanied by crisps, coke, pasty and cake plus probably some form of breakfast."
It took the regulars some time to recover from their queasiness at an admission of such debauchery to reurn to their unfailing supportiveness of Billy’s resolution with Buyergirl admitting, "Ok only one butty TODAY, and yes you did turn down the bacon, and I admit I have not SEEN you eating crisps or DRINKING coke, so perhaps you can have a half tonight!"
Spurred on by this encouragement It would seem that so confident is Billy becoming in his abilities and willpower that yet another secret alterego may be emerging:
"The reason you’ve not seen ME eating or drinking is because I have lost that much weight that I am almost invisible to the naked eye!!!", - ‘Invisible Boy!’
So much so that Tattoo was overcome with praise, "You are doing well with the diet that maybe Sven will be asking to borrow your skull & a couple of bones, for the flagpole he is going to erect when he gets home!"
Friggin' in the Riggin'
During the holiday period Gobby & Sven bravely and briefly departed from The Shire to experience the magical delights of one of the other kingdoms of middle earth.
Notwithstanding, Gobby may have bitten off more than she could chew when forced to shove the entire local delicacy of a Cornish pasty into her mouth to stifle her mirth when the undeniably somewhat foreign Sven declared the local inhabitants to have a "truly bizarre accent".
Indeed she had scarcely swallowed this morsel when faced with his further observation that, indeed this also "explained a lot about pirates" with a more than healthy degree of interest.
On returning to the safety of The Shire and The Local Gobby recounted her ordeal having been 'marooned' in Cornwall for several days with "Sven the Pirate" perhaps wishing she hadn't as the rest of the Regulars took great delight in offering him a bottle of rum in the hope that this would lubricate him enough to entertain them with his new found talent for sea shanties and an occasional hornpipe.
The true horror of the situation came later, however, on the realisation that Sven had clearly taking to method acting and that, even in the safety of her own home the threat of piracy was only too apparent. In desperation Gobby contacted The Regulars who, clearly concerned for her welfare warned her to "Beware the Jolly Roger".
Moreover, on reaching the bedroom it was clearly to late to heed this advice as Sven the Pirate had already hoisted the mainsail...
Not actually the name of Sven's new pirate ship but an allusion to Billy Idle's many good intentions for the Year ahead...
Indeed, taking into account the amount and nature of the lifestyle changes crying out to be made to Billy's very existence one must only be thankful that he has an entire year to do so.
As, ever The Regulars have been entirely supportive to Billy; rallying round in their inimitable way to one of their own in their hour of need. Indeed, not only an hour did they devote to the cause but approximately a whole day of hard work avoidance each:
Rick Francis selflessly and relentlessly scourged the deluge of new diets promoted each new year until, "At last, a diet that I think Billy will be able to keep to". (See image below)
Billy’s trusty colleague, Buyergirl (and the one unfortunate enough to witness his daily gluttony) felt she must protest and point out, "Only if he can 'go large'!"
This was met with some incredulity by Gobby exclaiming, "What 'largER?!!?!?!?!?!!?"
True to form was Billy’s retort of, "No, ‘LAGER’!!"
Sven felt the need to intervene reminding Billy of not only his commitment to dieting but also to home ownership, "Indeed, definitely no lager for you for the next 25 years after buying that mansion!"
To which Billy mused, "I wish was a mansion, however may be able to manage a couple of pints and an orange squash (in the next 25 years)."
Gobby, in her tireless (and often tiresome) dedication to charity and saving the planet was distressed by this exclaiming, "I feel sorry for the poor orange that you're clearly about to sit on, Lagerboy...
Billy, jumped on the bandwagon and an opportunity to add to his growing list of alteregos including 'Studyboy and Supershag' (see previous episodes of Barton Lives) pointing out, "Larger Lager Boy…… Surely?"
Buyergirl intervened instructing Billy, "Just make sure that you eat that squashed orange for your tea, you had more than enough dinner! And only water in the pub tonight, not beer flavoured either!"
Billy pleaded with his trusty colleague: "No way! Getting me into trouble! Had one butty today and you know it! Please advise my caring "Weightwatcher" friends just how many cakes, bags of Crisps and cans of coke I have had since we got back after Christmas as well, and the fact that turned down bacon butty on Tuesday."
Although he clearly overstepped the mark with the suggestion, "Think that alone earns me a full Yard of Ale this evening!!! Lol."
Sven showed a degree of scepticism: "Hmm, how do we know that today's butty wasn't also yard sized?"
Billy, knowing he was rumbled had to admit, "Probably was " Back Yard Sized" but at least was only one. Usually would have been accompanied by crisps, coke, pasty and cake plus probably some form of breakfast."
It took the regulars some time to recover from their queasiness at an admission of such debauchery to reurn to their unfailing supportiveness of Billy’s resolution with Buyergirl admitting, "Ok only one butty TODAY, and yes you did turn down the bacon, and I admit I have not SEEN you eating crisps or DRINKING coke, so perhaps you can have a half tonight!"
Spurred on by this encouragement It would seem that so confident is Billy becoming in his abilities and willpower that yet another secret alterego may be emerging:
"The reason you’ve not seen ME eating or drinking is because I have lost that much weight that I am almost invisible to the naked eye!!!", - ‘Invisible Boy!’
So much so that Tattoo was overcome with praise, "You are doing well with the diet that maybe Sven will be asking to borrow your skull & a couple of bones, for the flagpole he is going to erect when he gets home!"
Friggin' in the Riggin'
During the holiday period Gobby & Sven bravely and briefly departed from The Shire to experience the magical delights of one of the other kingdoms of middle earth.
Notwithstanding, Gobby may have bitten off more than she could chew when forced to shove the entire local delicacy of a Cornish pasty into her mouth to stifle her mirth when the undeniably somewhat foreign Sven declared the local inhabitants to have a "truly bizarre accent".
Indeed she had scarcely swallowed this morsel when faced with his further observation that, indeed this also "explained a lot about pirates" with a more than healthy degree of interest.
On returning to the safety of The Shire and The Local Gobby recounted her ordeal having been 'marooned' in Cornwall for several days with "Sven the Pirate" perhaps wishing she hadn't as the rest of the Regulars took great delight in offering him a bottle of rum in the hope that this would lubricate him enough to entertain them with his new found talent for sea shanties and an occasional hornpipe.
The true horror of the situation came later, however, on the realisation that Sven had clearly taking to method acting and that, even in the safety of her own home the threat of piracy was only too apparent. In desperation Gobby contacted The Regulars who, clearly concerned for her welfare warned her to "Beware the Jolly Roger".
Moreover, on reaching the bedroom it was clearly to late to heed this advice as Sven the Pirate had already hoisted the mainsail...
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