The Regulars were delighted when Rick Francis and Hamish, two more upstanding members of the community you could not hope to meet, decided to support their local services and take a trip to the library to further educate themselves, should this be possible.
It was a veritable joy to see their excited little faces as they tucked themselves into a corner of The Local and settled down for a good read.
However, it was at this point, on observing the reading matter in question, that the rest of The Regulars realised that would be the last time they should be allowed to go to the library unsupervised.
Time to call it a day
The Regulars felt it was time they took it upon themselves to have a quiet word with Rick Francis...
Who's Who?
Definitely not to be confused with the "32,000 short biographies, continually updated, of living noteworthy and influential individuals" as let's face it, how many of these are likely to be resident in Barton-upon-Humber? (Lord Dudley excepted but The Regulars could only dream of reaching the echelons of his social class and a bank holiday trip tp Skegness in a caravan but therein lies a whole new story to be told...)
But, more to the point, The Regulars excelled themselves when Rick Frances, on a particularly onerous day down the chemical plant (think Homer Simpson) managed to happen on a quiz site that presented The Regulars with the best part of a whole week's 'hard work avoidance'.
So, dear readers, from a selection of the answers to the questions can you decide Who's Who?
3. What are you most afraid of?
Losing a quid to Landlord, Den
MY KIDS
Computers
Going to work
Women
5. Place of birth
ESSEX (yeah!)
6. Favourite food
Full English Breakfast
7. What's your natural hair colour?
blonde( Strawberry NOT Ginger)
What hair ?
8. Ever been to Alaska?
Dont think so, but i'll ask her.
9. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
NO BUT ROLLED THE TOILET PAPER BACK UP AFTER KIDS HAD ROLLED IT
Only the ones i've dropped after a good drink.
what the.........??
10. Love someone so much it made you
No. unless you count Rick, but he made me.
Made you what? Made you what!?!?!?!!!
11. Been in a car accident
Yes, overturned. Police said is that your car sir, replied no, mine doesn't have wheels on top.
Yes, Wrote the ex-wifes car off (hee hee)
No, but I've seen hundreds!
13. Favourite day of the week
WHAT EVER DAY KIDS GO TO THEIR DADS
15. Favourite FlowerPeople have favourite flowers???? (Go figure!)
Self raising
Cannabis
The red ones. The name escapes me. Lancashire Rose
16. Favourite sport to watch
Touring cars.(is porn a sport?)
Yes, Porn is a sport. You use more muscles watching porn than you do watching any other sport.
17. Favourite drink
You are what you drink, I'm a bitter man
19. Disney or Warner Brothers?
Neither, I'm a grown up20. Ever been on a ship?
Yes.(but they found me and threw me off)
21. What colour is your bedroom carpet? Star Question!!!
Can't remember, Beige I think
DEEP RED, NOT BEIGE AND NO BEIGE IN IT AT ALL
Darling,
Are you sure we've got a red carpet in the bedroom,I'm bloody sure it's beige, just go and check.
RICK, YES IM SURE CONSIDERING THE COMPUTER IS IN THE BEDROOM NOT THAT I HAD TO LOOK AND CHECK ANYWAYPROBABLY WRONG WIFE LOVE OR WRONG HOUSE (GIPSY)
Sorry, my little snapdragon,Although to be fair I have lived in quite a few houses in the last couple of years.
Even so, I think a beige carpet would look nice in that bedroom, it would go with the yellow wallpaper...
CREAM,RED & ORANGE DEAREST
Hamish, what colour is your bedroom carpet? perhaps that's where the mix-up is coming from?
Light Brown(remember now Rick?)
Hamish, Is light brown not beige? I knew I'd rodgered someone in a bedroom with a light brown (beige) carpet...
Rick, really! You havent been in the bedroom, but the stair carpet is blue if you remember. Hamish. XXX
Is our bedroom the one with the water-bed, or am I getting Totally confused?
I'M NOT EVEN REPLYING TO THAT, RICK!!
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once, now will have to do it the braille way, like Billy Idle (for the uninitiated, Billy once declared down The Local that he thought the bobbly bits on the horn on his steering wheel were so blind people could find it. The penny still didn't drop when he then considered how blind people would know, whilst they were all out driving, that there was a hazard for them to need the horn).
Passed 1st time.(saw a few accidents as i remember)
None, I wore a short skirt and dangly earring!!!!!!!
You can fail?
I'm too embarrassed to admit it....................................................................................................... 3
Once, stupid examiner
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail
Easy jet newsletter - obviously I don't have any friends...
24. What do you do when you are bored?
I Don't get bored, however I do have times when I have nothing better to do, then the clean answer is sleep.
Cannot possibly comment.
You really dont want to know.
25. Bedtime
Anytime.
Thank god for that.
Love it
26. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest?
Rick cause he does the least work
27. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond?Hamish, his e-mail system is on a meter.
28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses?
Pocahontas, to find out what colour the bedroom carpet is
29. Favourite TV show
Dont see any t.v. anymore, too busy filling in questionnaires
31. What is your lucky number?
None of the frigging lottery numbers
33. How many tattoos do you have?
Just the one. his nickname is Steve
Shit, Hang on................. 19
35. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Fowl question.
Dont know,but i do know why it crossed the road, then, as previously on Barton Lives, I ran it over.
Who cares?
Which one is male?
36. What do you want to do before you die?
Live a little
Get old
Drink all the beers in my "300 Beers to try before you Die" book that my mother bought me
As if this hadn't caused them enough hard work avoidance, The Regulars eagerly sought out further surveys but decided to abandon the practice on realising the serious effect these were having on Hamish's Tourettes:
1. What is your favourite word? Porn
2. What is your least favourite word? No porn
3. What turns you on? Porn
4. What turns you off? No porn
5. What is your favourite curse word? Ficking Muppet
6. What sound or noise do you love? Vibraters
7. What sound or noise do you hate? Vibraters running flat
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Porn Star
9. What profession would you not like to do? Gay Porn Star
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? No need for condoms here, Hamish.
Quick Learner
The Regulars were amazed to observe that Hamish, once the fax-loving techno-virgin of The Local, had made astounding progress once Billy Idle finally got round to connecting him to the world wide web and could only marvel at the speed with which he had created his own website:
It then became apparent that he had learned such knowledge on his secret weekend retreats although, to be fair, The Regulars had never really believed a grown man could truly spend so much time at Butlins...
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