After a fraught first England game down The Local (not caused by the lack of Rooney, the heat or England's half-hearted performance but by Gobby's inability to identify any of the team or understand the simplest of rules), to try to make the next match more bearable for The Regulars Billy Idle strove to explain the beautiful game to her in terms she could hope to understand:
"The Offside Rule explained... for Girls:"
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.Genius :-)
Gobby was very grateful and vowed to learn this and all other names and facts explained to her during the course of the match. However, in the likelihood that this should prove too much of a tall order she decided she could always resort to the failsafe 'just getting her England knickers out when they score' .
Happiness
Uncannily and hard to believe as it is The Regulars were struggling over the following pub quiz question:
"If the owl represents wisdom and the dove peace, which bird represents happiness?"
It was only when the correct answer of 'bluebird' was given that rick Francis realised that the Peacock of Happiness truly had shat on his quiz paper...
Disaster!
The Regulars were lucky to escape the horrific consequences of a natural diasater in these troubled times of global warming and freak weather conditions when, due to a particularly strong gust of wind, Jordan's bra blew off the washing line devastating down town Barton. It was only due to the hand of fate that the prevailing wind was in the opposite direction and The Local was spared.
Healthy Lifestyle
Not content with just making Billy Idle's life a misery with regard to revision and exercise Gobby turned her thoughts to removing any of Billy's remaining pleasures in life turning to smoking, which he had enjoyed since being a foetus.
Whenever conversation down The Local took an interesting turn Gobby would turn Billy's attention to the warnings of hideous death and illnesses as forewarned on every available fag packet.
Billy thought his endless supply of cheap fags from the continent would nip this in the bud but Gobby smugly translated the full horror of these for all around.
However, she hadn't reckoned on Billy's little known linguistic talents (indeed even less renowned than his accountancy prowess) by which he beat her to the translation process with his own unique renderings extolling the little known but mellifluous benefits of smoking:
Spanish Warning Label followed by Billy's Blag:
Fumar perjudica gravemente su salud y la de los que están a su alrededor
Smoking produces the goodness of salad, to assist when queueing, just like in El Salvador
Fumar provoca cáncer mortal de pulmón
Smoking Prevents Cancer, Death and Heartattacks
Fumar puede matar
Smoking really matters
Fumar obstruye las arterias y provoca cardiopatías y accidentes cerebrovasculares
Smoking obstructs the arts, promotes cardigans and accentuates your celebrity status.
OR: Dependent upon Dialect and area of Spain - can be:
Smoking abuses artists, provokes card players but accentuates your celebrity status
Fumar acorta la vida
Smoking accords to life
Proteja a los niños: no les haga respirar el humo de tabaco
Protect Your Ninjas: Don't let hags restrict them smoking tobacco
El tabaco es muy adictivo: No empiece a fumar
Tobacco is My Additive - Long Live Smoking!!
El humo contiene benceno, nitrosaminas, formaldehído y cianuro de hidrógeno
A Cigarette contains beneficial, nutritional, formative chemicals, and happiness
.
Roken ist Dodelik
Smoking is Dudelike
Fumar puede ser causa de una muerte lenta y dolorosa
Smoking promotes the cause of a massive lentil or cauliflower
Fumar durante el embarazo perjudica la salud de su hijo
Smoking persuades Jimmy Durante to embrace salad and say hi ho.
Su médico y su farmacéutico pueden ayudarle a dejar de fumar
All Doctors and Pharmacists persuade everybody to start smoking
Dejar de fumar reduce el riesgo de enfermedades mortales de corazón y pulmón
Stopping smoking reduces your resistance to Infernal Mortals and Crazy People
OR: Dependent upon Dialect and area of Spain - can be:
Stopping smoking reduces your resistance to infirmity, Mortality and Crazy People
Fumar puede reducir el flujo sanguíneo y provoca impotencia
Smoking helps you redirect flying penguins and promotes your importance
Fumar provoca el envejecimiento de la piel
Smoking helps promote your enjoyment of PIE!
OR: Dependent upon Dialect and area of Spain - can be:
Smoking Helps you Play football Like Pele!!
Fumar puede dañar el esperma y reduce la fertilidad
Smoking provides a river of sperm to produce a fertile Dad
Exercise
After the unbelievable feat of actually revising the Regulars felt that Billy Idle should not stop there and could be capable of a whole lifestyle change not unbefitting of his various alter egos.
Gobby encouraged him t follow her example of going on the treadmill at lunchtimes to which Billy assured her he would make a start by going on the Kingsmill.
No comments:
Post a Comment