The Regulars were delighted to hear the immemsely credible news from Tweety, The Local's resident liar that The Scissor Sisters and James Blunt would obviously be playing at Barton Beer Festival this summer.
Probably because he is best mates with Peter Stringfellow...
Rick Francis added:
"Last I heard he was trying to organise a concert in the park,Coldplay, Status Quo, Van Morrison, Elvis, Bing Crosby & Ol' Blue Eyes.""He had me convinced until he mentioned that he was trying to organiseShakespeare in the park, I know he's dead."
Blood Donors
Gobby berated Billy Idle for his predictable lack of attendance at the Blood Donors and his lack of concern for his fellow man but forgave him on hearing the explanantion that he had become confused, gone to the Breast Screening unit instead but been turned away and informed it was not a competition and many thanks, but they did not need a judge right now.
Banned!!
After much email fun and banter rather than working The Regulars are distraught at having their new toy taken away by Mr Tattoo's evil IT department who have banned them all on the very rare occasion they may have deviated from philosophical debate and elevated standards of English or used the terminology 'electric monkeys' or 'sense of humour'.
Rick Francis pointed out that:
"It's very quiet this morning, are we all banned from each other, I've heard we all have to sit at different tables in The Local from now on."
Den, The Landlord showed an interest in joining the technological revolution, especially with a view to accessing porn but didn't know where to start.
Tattoo advised him simply to type in that favourite visitor to Barton, The Black Dyke Band and that it should be quite simple to take it from there...
Snow
The regulars became very concerned as a snowflake landed on Barton-upon-Humber that this would mean, due to adverse weather conditions, that Sven would yet again fail to make it home from the continent where he 'works' and have to settle for yet another weekend in Amsterdam...
Rick Francis did email a supportive message of concern:
"Snowing again, looks like you've got another weekend in Amsterdam, it must be really hard for you."
to which Sven explained:
"In reality I only work for good causes whilst in Amsterdam, I will be handing out soup to the homeless, singing and collecting money with the samaritans and eating wholesome vegan food with spring water."
To which his supportive wife, Gobby pointed out:
"Charity begins at home - GET THERE!"
Bird Flu
The Regulars are becoming concerned that Tweety, The Local's resident liar may have contracted Bird Flu.
Billy Idle was particularly concerned after encountering the following nasty incident at Disneyland below:
In fact, so concerned were The Regulars that Rick Francis, quite out of character beat a hasty retreat from The Local on hearing Tweety sneeze...
Luckily, Billy Idle appeared to have picked up an effective remedy on his travels...
Shirt Lifter
Was a quiet night down The Local on Saturday with the Regulars not having a lot to say to each other.
Thankfully Billy Idle arrived back from Disneyland with a shirt so loud it completely took over and entertained everyone for the rest of the evening.
Nell McAndrew
In an attempt to see his feet again Billy Idle had spent the last few weeks giving his all to Nell McAndrew's 'Peak Energy' workout DVD.
On hearing of her condition he announced he was stunned to hear that after months of trying to look like her he was encouraged to see she was now making the effort to take 9 months to look like him.
Karaoke
Not content with spending all day on the internet and all night down The Local The Regulars decided on some alternative entertainment by subjecting another drinking establishment to their singing prowess.
They knew they were in with a good chance on meeting the quality judging panel, one of whom was preoccupied at the lacerations he had received on shaving his head with a mach 3 and another, on demanding to know where the barman had got to had to be informed that he was on stage singing.
After a medley of indescribable talent it was a disappointed group of Regulars who returned to The Local informing the others that they had been robbed and Karaoke had been won by some young, good looking female totty (that could actually sing).
Undeterred, however it was decided on email the next day (instead of working, of course) that such talent should not be wasted and that The Regulars would form their own band. As Rick Rrancis aptly put it:
"Brilliant night last night, I think we did fantastic, should start our ownband, THE CHUBSTERS, we could use Tattoo's head as a bongo."
Pool
With only a few weeks to go The Regulars congratulated themselves on technically not being bottom of the pool league and actually being in position 9 out of 10 paying homage to the tenth placed team who had, in fact yet to turn up for a match.
Rick Franics added his own email pearl of wisdom to this (instead of working, of course):
Away at the Black Horse tonight, let's see if we can win our last two games of the season, if we can we'll still finish bottom of the league, but with more points.
Tim Tams
During aforementioned email banter Sven emailed Gobby the following query which he was far too busy and important in the world of international IT support (that no one is entirely sure he really does anyway) to deal with and anyway, why bother when you have a wife at home:
Hi babe,Have you ever seen any TimTams? If so where? God knows where I can buy these?
complete with the alleged original query:
Hi, ich hätte mal einen Riesenwunsch. Du fährst ja jedes Wochenende nach Hause. Habe gerade über unseren Englischlehrer eine super leckere australische Spezialität kennengelernt: TimTam. mmmmmhhhhh!Die Aussies sind wohl alle süchtig danach. Leider gibt es in Deutschland diese Art Schokokekse nicht - aber in UK... Es gibt wohl ungefähr 10 Sorten. Würdest Du mir bei Gelegenheit mal welche mitbringen? Geld kann ich Dir vorher oder hinterher geben. Das wäre super nett!!!!!Anja
Gobby was just about to send him happily trotting down some feminine hygiene aisle with a basket when luckily she thought she had better check with The Regulars to be sure...
The Regulars and associates found information along the lines of:
"Tim Tams seem to have some kind of Penguin vibe from what I can gather. We have an antipodean at work that went weak at the knees, misty eyed and came over all nostalgic at the mention of them."
and in doing so the wondrous website http://www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com/biscuits/previous.php3?item=47 was discovered leading to much more time spent not working and the definitive article http://www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com/biscuits/previous.php3?item=47 from which The Regulars made a pact to perfect the 'Tim Tam Slam'.
Although apparently available at Tescos a packet of Tim Tams is now on it's way from Rick Francis's brother who resides 'down under' and is eagerly anticipated down 'The Local'.
Tinternet
Unable to cope for long periods (such as normal working hours) away from The Local those of The Regulars allowed to use a computer unsupervised have taken to keeping in touch during these dry hours by email instead of doing any work. This has proved to make the daylight hours much more tolerable and added even more excitement and an additional dimension to 'Barton Lives'.
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