On a recent cultural exchange to Belgium four of The Regulars has a marvellous time absorbing the culture & history, stopping only very briefly for some light refreshment in the unseasonably warm weather.
Looking back on the experience they handled themselves in an exemplary manner as true ambassadors for their homeland.
Spud Trouble!
As if 15 lorries delivering potatoes arriving simultaneously were not enough excitement for any woman to cope with in one day Spudgirl had yet more fascinating tales to tell in relation to the starchy tuberous crop from the perennial plant Solanum tuberosum of the Solanaceae family:
She went on to explain that while 14 of the aforementioned lorries were meticulously checked, scrutinised, and passed with flying colours one lorry-load had, unfortunately, to be rejected when nestling amongst the tubers were found no less than 8 illegal immigrants.
Now, whilst there is general agreement among contemporary botanists that the potato originated in the Andes, all the way from Colombia to northern Argentina, but with a concentration of genetic diversity, both in the form of cultivated and wild species, in the area of modern day Peru, no-one at the spud warehouse was confident enough to hazard a guess at the origins of said immigrants although one of Spudgirl’s colleagues, clearly endowed with business acumen, did muse that if they charged £5 a ton handling charge on potatoes what was the going rate for human beings?
Little Boys' room
It would have been hoped that since the wardrobe incident (see August 2006 episode 'Extreme DIY') Pocahontas would have learnt to keep Rick Francis well away from anywhere he could possibly purchase any more 'No More Nails'.
However, in foolishly finding themselves on a family outing complete with Zig & Zag in No Frills DIY it was clear from the beginning that their trip was unlike to be without incident.
Having embarked on a trolley dash when hearing Zig somewhere in the distance utter the words, "Need a wee wee" Pocahontas was confident that Rick, always taking his parenting duties very seriously, could handle the situation. This confidence was shattered, however as she heard the reply, "There's a toilet just there son."
Racing back through the aisles scarcely avoiding inflicting whiplash on Zag in the trolley before locating Rick and Zig in the bathroom section Pocahontas realised that it was too late and despite Zig's denial, the yellow trail trickling from the display toilet was incriminating evidence that the dirty deed was done.
On hearing the words, "Need a poo poo!" Rick & Pocahontas suddenly realised their DIY purchases could wait and beat a hasty retreat to the exit.
Time, gentlemen, please!
The Regulars appear to have adjusted remarkably well so far to the retirement of Den & Angie and welcomed their replacements with open arms. They are, however, still struggling somewhat with the alien new concept of C-L-O-S-I-N-G T-I-M-E.
All Banned!!
The Regulars could not help a wave of collective smugness washing over them down The Local when, after months of blaming others (see chapter March 2006), Tattoo had to admit that the over-zealous IT police down the woodyard had finally banned him from his own email.
Road Trip
As if the onset of Billy Idle's new job and having to travel to "Donny" and work with his most dreaded adversaries, "Yorkies" was not enough of a challenge Billy then found he would immediately be expected to broaden his horizons, (making a refreshing change from his waistband) even further than The Local and Barton Grill and travel the length and breadth of This Sceptered Isle, (and when your geography is so lacking (see previous chapter, October 2006) and you believe every destination to be off the M1 and 'near Leeds' then this truly is no mean feat.
Once Gobby had helped him navigate by way of pictorial clues and well-known landmarks to help him on his quest Billy and his colleague, Eddie Kid, set off for Wiltshire (off the M1, near Stonehenge).
All went well and would have been well on the return journey had Billy Idle, true to his name, not decided to shirk his share of the driving in favour of putting his seat in the horizontal position and dribbling down the window.
After a busy day in the field of Higher Education putting pens and stickers into folders Gobby was already running late when the M1 ground to a halt. Caring and considerate as ever Gobby's first thought was to alert Billy and Eddie to said hazard as, clearly, they too had to be somewhere on the M1, highway to all destinations.
Gobby was astonished at the speed of the reply from Billy saying they too were caught up in a pile-up and he would probably also be late.
Gobby informed him that it may take some time for her to extract herself as the emergency vehicles had just flown past to deal with the incident up ahead to which Billy replied that, similarly, several emergency vehicles had just arrived where they were.
It was at this point that, in addition to the emergency sirens Gobby heard additional alarm bells ringing and, on re-reading the text felt the need to enquire further of Billy:
"Do you mean you are actually in the 5 car pile-up?"
"Yep, that's us up in front!!"
"So you have crashed?"
"Yep. Car now 2 feet shorter!!
At this point the traffic queue sped up to a grinding crawl and as they passed many traffic officers and motorists busying themselves with the scene of devastation at the side of the road Gobby's eye could not help being drawn to a very familiar figure and, indeed, the only one to seen not moving a muscle and seated well out of harm (and effort's) way on a handy crash barrier.
Keen to help Gobby pulled up and attempted to communicate with the battalion of police officers at the side of the road but found herself firmly and hastily moved on and reminded of some minor aspect of the highway Code where, apparently, parking on a motorway is, for some reason, not permitted.
Whilst relieving herself at the next services due to the lengthy hold-up Gobby was delighted when Billy and Eddie were delivered safe and sound by the aforementioned police officers who had, by this point ascertained that, despite his best efforts to deny all knowledge Billy had admitted that he was acquainted with 'the idiot blond girl in the mini'.
This momentarily relief was short-lived however, as Gobby, Eddie and 'large-boned' Billy took stock of their next motoring challenge which would be to fit 3 adults, 3 overnight bags, laptops, sports kit and a campbed into mini for the remaining stage of the journey.
Resourceful as ever they were soon merrily on their way piled to the ceiling with Gobby rolled in a travel rug, balanced on top of the campbed and cunningly concealed as a piece of luggage, an almost perfect disguise had Billy not pointed out:
"Luggage doesn't normally speak."
The moral of the story would be that, whilst it may be more exciting, it may not always be judicious to let Eddie Kid drive nor get you home any faster and, as The Regulars pointed out, surely Billy Idle, the human sloth was already flirting with more than enough reasons for an untimely death and had no real need to add Road Kill to these...
Application
Spudgirl could hardly believe her good fortune when, in her professional capacity, the ink had barely had time to dry on the job advertisement she had placed in the much revered local paper before she received her first application, or indeed, solicitation.
With hindsight, maybe the alarm bells should have started ringing when the aforementioned letter of application was received, not at the designated Onion Factory but, suspiciously, down The Local...
Dear Madam, (Yorkshire Onions Ltd )
I am applying for the position of Onion Line Production Operator, advertised in the Scunthorpe Target dated 30/8/07.
This position would suit me perfectly as you are obviously all Muppetts.Can I first point out that Owmby by Spital is in ficking LINCOLNSHIRE so you have named your Company incorrectly,plus,why have you put your factory in the middle of knowhere,so no ficker can even find it?
However,that beside,I think you will find I can fill the following criteria.
Hold a current forklift licence.
I thought you only did onions
Managing production,reducing down time and costs.
I can easily reduce down time,I cum really quickly and as for costs,I would’nt charge that much.Production,well that would depend on staff.
QA assessments on all loads to meet customer specification.
I raced 20,000 sperm and was first inside the egg.Do you really think there will be a problem?
Organise staffing levels,ensure staff adhere to Health and Safety and Hygiene rules.
This one is easy,use "No More Nails".
Create and supply all documentation required/basic administration.
Yes,this is basic administration.
Maintain equipment and keep site hazard free.
I would wash my cock every night and wipe up any spills.
Manage and maintain daily use of consumables.
Whats a few tissues cost?
Any other tasks relating to the smooth running of the production line.
So in summary, you want me too ,drive the forklift,cut costs and increase production,QA all loads going out,hire and fire staff,do all the paperwork,repair and service the production equipment and keep the site safe,clean the ficking toilets,lock up at night and be a ficking security guard.
You must think I’ve lost my ficking onions!
Yours Sincerely
Hamish.
New Boy It has always been beautiful to observe the care and concern The Regulars bestow upon each other.
Indeed, Rick Francis's thoughtfulness on Billy Idle's first day in his new job was truly touching:
Gobby,
Hope you packed Billy's sandwiches in his My Little Pony butty box this morning before you sent him off for his first day. He'll be like a lost schoolboy this morning, being shown where the toilet is, and where he can go for his milk break. Hope you wrote his name on his underpants and his tie.
Meanwhile, the rest of The Regulars, having overcome their deep shock at Billy having left his undeniably large comfort zone to apply for a new job in the first place, waited with bated breath to see if he bothered to turn up at all..
Home Help
Overworked, underpaid and under Pocahontas's thumb Rick Francis feared he would never complete his daily round of chores in time to make it to The Local before turning into a pumpkin when, his fairy godmother waved her magic wand and, as if by magic, Tattoo appeared to give him a hand with the washing up.
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